AUGUST 11, 2018

Gaslighting IS THE WORST. When he acknowledged his addiction & vowed to do whatever it took to save this marriage, silly me assumed gaslighting would stop BECAUSE HE'S SERIOUS THIS TIME. ha! Now when he gaslights it's so much worse because I know he knows that it is totally unacceptable.

We had a long talk last night after the horrendous week; 4 nights of me sleeping in another room. I laid boundaries like I was Oprah handing out cars. He recognizes recovery isn't entirely about porn addiction. There's a cause (why he started) & effect (countless relationships ruined, etc) that require extreme attention. He still swears he's porn free free (30+ days). I believe him. We have blockers and I have control of devices..what the problem is, is he's not ACTUALLY working this recovery. I'm still not a priority, leading to triggers galore.

I am concerned however, that because we are still intimate (because I really thought we were connecting) that it is giving him a false sense of security..."oh, she's still sleeping with me, must not be that serious about leaving....". I'm torn.

He's not being honest about something & is scared for me to know. My #1 boundary when we talked last nigh was to find a counselor. Asap. Like, Monday morning. #2 boundary, don't EVER threaten me with my children. I made it clear the police would be called & for the rest of his life, he would be seeing the kids on weekend visits. I'm pretty sure I got through. We'll see...

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