AUGUST 19, 2018

My husband is over 1 month porn free. When I found out he was secretly taping me, that was the final straw. His porn addiction spans 15 years & includes looking up escorts prior to our wedding, porn during grueling fertility treatments I had to go through, porn throughout my pregnancy, etc.

His porn use was apparently so bad, he'd do it almost daily. He was an absent husband & an absent father. For almost 3 years he's put his own needs ahead of mine & our kids. Vacations ruined because he can't get his porn fix. Head down in phone 24/7. Blaming me for literally everything. For 3 years I have had to act the roles of 2 parents. Not because my husband wasn't physically around but because my husband neglected me & his kids. The fantasy girls on the screen took precedence over his family for years.

Here's the problem: I'm angry. I'm angry at EVERYTHING. I'm angry I was treated like trash & made to feel crazy. I'm angry that my children now have issues displaying emotions because their dad was too busy to parent & mom was too busy just trying to survive. The anger list is massive. For 2 weeks after d-day life was grand. Husband was actively working recovery. I was supportive; finding him a counselor, willing to listen & not judge...he had NO problem kicking porn to the curb. The problem is, he cannot stop being narcissistic & emotionally stunted. He just does not understand the damage he's done to me & that his actions have caused reactions. There is zero consistency in his recovery of being a better husband. This is like gasoline on my anger.

His head is about to explode at how well he's done on stopping porn & I'm over here on this island of 1 he has dropped me off on going "HI I'M STILL OVER HERE VERY MUCH HURTING". I mean, I understand I'm entirely responsible for my actions & reactions in life. For some reason I'm now taking my anger out on my son. My anger comes out as yelling. It passes & I always feel overwhelming anger & guilt afterwards, aimed at myself.

I have a little background in psych & am fully aware my behavior is not ok. It's not an every day thing. I hadn't yelled all week until today. My mom starts her 1st chemo treatment tomorrow. I threw my kids birthday party yesterday. My husband continues to bully me & make me feel horrible. I'm drowning. Overwhelmed. Grieving. Alone. Scared. This all makes me angry. My son was acting up this morning & I yelled. My husband took the kids to the park & I left as well. I received texts from my husband while I was gone saying things like "take a minute to cool off, I love you; I'm sorry I left, I just didn't want the kids around that". I completely agreed with this so I replied saying the kids didn't need to be around when I'm angry, I'd pack some things & stay somewhere else for the time being. His response was "that's not necessary, you just needed time to cool off; kids are great & asking for you". I take that as a sign that it would be safe to return home. I walk in the door & all I get is a "hey" from him. Instant triggers. He had made me feel I could come home & we'd move forward; what I got was the standard punishment when I've done something: silence. Made me feel crazy for thinking I'd misread his texts to create an illusion I wouldn't be burned at the cross when I got home. Triggers=anger=yelling, so I left again. Fight or flight.

I get a text from him with a link to an article about what yelling does to a child followed by "you're not the only one doing this, but.." Do you know what this does to an abused person??? An abused person who watched the abuser neglect this very child he's trying use against me?!? Made me feel horrible & confused & angry. So, I reply that I have an appointment with my psychiatrist this week & I would discuss these issues with him. He writes back that he can't just stand by & watch me yell at the kids. My reply: I agree. That's why I will speak to my doc on Tuesday about this. He replied: the one you see for 30 min so you can get your uppers refilled?

I'm sitting here absolutely dumbfounded. Since my mother's cancer diagnosis, he's been pushing me to see this doctor! He's known I've had this appointment coming up. We literally talked about it last night. Not one word has been said about his ill feelings toward my doctor. It is completely unfair & indicative of continuing abusive behavior.

So. Here I am. Feeling like roadkill for almost 10 years now. Was looking forward to my appointment. Not only to discuss my husband's traumatic behavior but my mother's cancer diagnosis. I've been seeing him for over 5 years now & really like him. I do not know what to do. I feel like I'm not perfect & this is all new; mistakes will happen. But damnit, I dealt with absolute destructive behavior from him for a long time & continuously cut him slack. I offered to let him stay after he secretly video recorded me. Why do I deserve to be tortured?? This is absolute torture.

I have to live with my abuser & person that caused me trauma. It's like being raped & having to live with the rapist. I imagine the pain is quite same in both cases. Torture. Especially when it's not getting any better. Ultimate torture.

I have been so blind, I didn't realize my marriage troubles were not normal. I assumed every husband watched porn, didn't really "talk" to their spouse, intimacy was non-existent because of work/kids/etc. Because of these assumptions, I never brought marriage issues was really only 2 weeks ago I started to figure out this was WAY BIGGER than a porn addiction.

My husband is (or acts) genuine. He's never given anyone a negative impression of him. My bestie adores him. It would take at least a week to catch her up & another convincing her he's capable of all of these horrible things.

So, I don't know. I'm afraid my cancer-stricken mother is the only one who would tell me to leave. She's the only one that has seen the hurt & pain he's caused through the years. But even then, she adores him too... chameleon.

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