AUGUST 9, 2018

My husband has been porn free for a month. He says this is the 1st time he's ever gone this long in over 15 yrs. I am really proud of his hard work to becoming a better him.

The problem: he thinks he nailed this recovery thing because he no longer watches it. He has devoted 90% of his recovery to himself (doesn't surprise me...) & 10% on helping me, his wife, begin to heal from the years of life he robbed from me.

He was given an ultimatum after d-day, 1 month ago. He either acknowledges his addiction & learns how to heal himself & our marriage by online resources & counseling, or, the kids & I were gone. He cried, begged, said he'd do anything, blahhh blahhhhh. He threw every waking minute into learning the 1st week post d-day. We were having wonderful, productive talks. He'd text to check in, let me know his thoughts & triggers, etc. He'd never done that in the entire 9 yrs I've known him. He made a counseling appointment 2 days after d-day. Counselor didn't show up. 2nd week of recovery, he was still actively learning but I noticed instead of watching relationship videos on youtube like he had been, he was back to watching his science videos, or whatever it is he watches. Not actively seeking replacement counselor. 3rd week in recovery, even less learning on his own via journaling, watching videos on porn addiction & relationship recovery, etc. Fights between us becoming frequent because he constantly triggers me. Telling him my triggers aren't helping because he never remembers. Communication is becoming infrequent. Still, no replacement counselor. This week, week 4, has been the absolute worst. It's everything from the 3rd week times 1000. Added to 4th week: gaslighting is back. Every trigger I've ever had he's doing, and seems to be doing on purpose. He tried to tell me his behavior is of the past, indicating because its been ONE WHOLE MONTH AND HE'S MIRACULOUSLY HEALED I should start wrapping my recovery up & cut him some slack. Yesterday, I lost it. I am so sick of giving this man chances, only to be tossed out like trash. That is literally the only consistent thing in our marriage. I told him to find somewhere to stay that night. He said he wasn't going anywhere to which I replied, ok, the children & I will leave. That set him off. He said I wasn't taking the kids anywhere. This set me off & I said a pretty mean thing. By this time, it was a full blown fight. I eventually got the kids out of the house. My husbands big bosses have been in town all week & they were all going to a sports bar after work last night. It was the 1st time he'd been out alone since d-day. We spoke last week about how difficult this was going to be for me. I heard nothing from him last night. Nothing. All he said when he got home was basically "wtf are you doing here? I thought you were staying at your mom's". Then, went to our bed & passed out. I slept in another room. I had to be at the hospital early this morning. My mom had surgery to get a port placed for lung cancer chemo treatment. She got to leave 5 hours later. I came home, as I couldn't wait to see my babies faces. He was short with me. Making snarky comments.

What in the world is happening?! I need advice. All I want to do is run, but I have nowhere to go.

It was/is controlling behavior and is so appalling.

He has never physically touched me. I feel safe in that aspect. Part of d-day was me finding out he had been secretly taping me in the bath. I can't begin to explain what this did to me. I can't say I feel 100% safe that I'm not being watched but he swears he hasn't done anything since d-day. Unless he's purchased some new device he's most likely being honest, as I always know where our cameras are at at all times.

He still hasn't found a therapist. I've been seeing someone for a couple of years & have an appointment coming up soon. I just can't believe how quickly he stopped caring. I really was rooting for him/us/the family.

Needless to say, I have no clue how I haven't ended up in a white padded room w/ everything being thrown at me...

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