Worst day evahhhhh.
A little dramatic but it's flippin' cold outside, kids are getting cabin fever, and mom is running out of fuel. Toddler Twins 1, Mom 0.
They have also discovered that saying "dad" causes a change in my demeanor. I'm cognizant of this change and haven't quite figured out how to not let it take my breath away. They sense this and just so happen to be in that 'let's see how far we can push things' phase; disaster.
Because of it being an extra crappy day due to sex addiction and feels, tonight's journal is for all you dad's/husband's out there. Gonna be a tough pill to swallow, but it's reality.
Dear Dad's and Husband's (future one's, too),
The heart is 'the central or innermost part of something'.
This central & innermost part of something is where your strength and character come together and form the heart of your soul.
Your strength will be present via your character.
I see too many men equating strength with physical capabilities, your successes, & one-upping each other as some sort of badge of honor. Unfortunately, this way of thinking comes through in your character. Those closest to you take notice and equate it to selfishness.
Your wife gets , isolated, resentful. You think you're becoming this "better man" and all she sees is you just not really getting it. This is the point she starts retreating because you have the wrong idea of strength.
Strength of character is having the courage to do the right thing even in really crappy situations. Being strong is not hiding from your mistakes or becoming passive when confronted.
You are genuine in your emotions, not trying to hide the shame/guilt/fear. There is no hypocrisy; a God fearing doting father and husband does not excuse selfishness and blame.
When you are not strong in mind and spirit your character just falls apart and disintegrates. This is why so many of you still find yourselves in pity after a relapse, blaming your wife and obsessively checking to see if others have failed at abstinence so you can feel a tad better about yourself.
I live daily with the aftermath of a man who was seriously confused about strength and character. My kids live daily with the aftermath.
My kids, who are so impressionable right now have no idea what true affection between a mother and father look like, and that brings me to my knees in guilt when I think of it. I then have to summon the energy to remind myself that it wasn't my fault, for the millionth time, which sometimes makes me even more resentful.
I told someone last night that being in a marriage with a sex addict is equated to being alone in the middle of the sea during a storm, all by yourself. You can see boats in the distance but they can't hear you. Every move you make you think a shark will bite you. Torture, men...pure torture.
Your children know way more than you think. Teach them to have strong characters so your sons never find themselves in your positions and your daughters never find themselves in mine.
Teach yourselves what a strong character means.
It's not gym, tan, laundry. It's not going to church on Sunday and then lying to your wife about your relapse 2 days later. It's definitely not ghosting your kids for your own wants/desires.
All it takes is being humble, kind, and accepting of your failures.
That's the secret.
That was therapeutic.