DECEMBER 17, 2018

Dear Cake,

You kept telling yourself if you made it through thanksgiving, Christmas would be manageable as well.

Girl. You lied.

The past week has been excruciating. Things seem super awesome & easy to manage until you step outside into the the real world. You can't go anywhere without having to dig deep & stop the desire to loath the happy families. You keep your eyes down or on the kids at all times because duh, trust issues. The last person you let look into your soul kinda left you high & dry. Plus, you're convinced single men can sniff you out like fresh meat & it makes you nauseated to think about.

Pretty soon the energy supply is going to dry up & then what do you do?

Keep moving on is the only option, right? You can only assume with time you'll begin to trust again & want to feel wanted. Right now, you just want to hit fast forward & it be 01/01/19.

Tomorrow you have to get the kids ready for their Christmas program by yourself, which is no easy feat for 1 woman against toddler twins. You'll sit through the program wondering if he's there, not really caring but caring enough it will definitely distract you. After the Christmas program, you then switch roles & become mom's caretaker. She starts this new immunotherapy treatment tomorrow for her lung cancer; for what, you ask yourself? To spend that many more days in pain & out of breath, terrified of your fate just to see your grandchildren that much longer? Bittersweet for you, as you lose your last biological parent. You have no siblings to share memories with. When she goes, so do all of the secrets you've shared & family memories. You are going to find yourself exactly as you are now; alone, sitting on your bedroom floor with your favorite songs playing as you sob, wondering what in the world has happened to this pure & peaceful life you envisioned.

Embrace these feelings. They will pass & you will be stronger when you make it through.

You like to be prepared but you can't possibly prepare for the devastation that's coming your way. Let go, Cake. Let the universe & God guide you through it. Fear will only hinder your capabilities & opportunities to grow.



Throw that positive energy out like grenade launchers, girl.

Keep believing in yourself & strength.

Santa isn't real, anyways.

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