DECEMBER 21, 2018

I'm not doing good, but not doing bad; normal feelings, I suppose... guilt & despair are trying to infiltrate my optimism & hope. The energy it takes for me to override the negativity is exhausting.

The never-ending trail of deceit & beautiful women I've been left on my own to discover is making me feel really crappy about myself. It's confusing me because I've never questioned my physical (& internal) beauty. Even when d-day happened, I never once thought that the women he watched were prettier than I or had nicer bodies. Today, I find he was asking some chick on a gamer site why she wasn't showing cleavage, could he see her goods, etc. & I died a little inside. Maybe it is because it's the first time I've seen an actual request made by him to another female to show a certain body part, where everything else was just videos he clicked on.

Good news is, my intuition WAS right.

He should have not wasted his breath trying to convince me IT WAS ONLY PORN, I SWEAR, NOTHING ELSE, YADAYADAYADAAAAAA. I knew. I always know. Thank God I followed my instincts, or I'd still be sitting here in lalaland, passionately defending him from anyone (me) that would dare think he'd lie.

What a drag I am

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