FEBRUARY 14, 2019

Total fail. Today was excruciating & I'm actually pretty taken aback by this. I really do dislike everything about this particular day.....I thought.

First off, it's not even a real holiday. Not only is it not real, it's a horrible reminder to the single people that they are alone. Really? Do we need a day to spend money on gifts for the girl that you'll probably dump when the next best thing comes along? Shouldn't we show our love daily, or at least once a month? Can't we give random sweet love notes, candies, & half-dead flowers every month? We can, but most don't because life, right? We get busy. We get so freaking wrapped up in our own little existence we neglect our loved ones until this magical day comes around to "remind" you that you are in fact, wanted.

So why has this stupid day caused me such sadness?

My theory is because I am a hopeless romantic. I can't tell you how many years I've spent on this day telling myself over & over he is so gonna get it right this year; no way I'll get an unsigned card (apparently kids can keep you from signing cards, *eyeroll*). Or the Oh, crap, he's ordered flowers last minute & now I'm going to have to summon my overjoyed wife face because how freaking thoughtful *another eyeroll*. I would get anxiety anticipating what I would receive because there was never any romance; no thought. It was robotic. I was a PC.

Ok, then. I guess I didn't realize how much I just want(ed) to feel like I was loved. Like I was worth the effort....

That's a tough pill to swallow when I think about it. I've obviously been shoving some stuff regarding romance & love pretty deep down.

At least I know what I won't accept moving forward.

On a positive note, babycakes were the best Valentine's I could have asked for. Our trio had a heart shaped pizza & I listened to 3 year olds gossip about so & so crying because so & so wasn't in class today. As I sat & listened, with a stray tear rolling down my cheek at this pure innocence I witness daily, I was calmed by the unconditional love the 3 of us have for each other.

That's more than I will ever need.

But, romance, surprises, & companionship would be nice, too. Maybe in my next life.

Off to go sob into my kids Valentine's candy.

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