February 14, 2022

Three years ago, today, I sat for the first time with no romantic partner on Valentine's Day. I had hope, though, that I would heal, meet someone who loved the hell out of me, and would never again have to spend this stupid day spiraling in my head about how worthless, unlovable, and how lonely I was.

february 14, 2022

[Redacted] called me shortly before 11 this morning to tell me they were home from her appointment. The doctor said he's calling the hospital and she needs to get there within a couple of hours to be admitted - says they can't start chemo on Wednesday with the condition she's in, it will kill her so if she wants to fight, she needs to let the doctors and God do what they can to stabilize her in hopes she miraculously recovers enough to eventually get poison pumped into her veins.

I don't remember what I said, I just know I somehow managed to drive to their house shortly after [redacted] and I hung up...

and then I floated to her when I rounded the entryway, falling into her chest crying out I don't want her to go. She got on to me, "[redacted] [redacted], please, for me, you have to stay strong, you have to. I can't take anyone being sad right now".

And what is a girl to do when her dying mother tells her to put those boots on, lace them up, shoulders back and chin up? She wipes the tears and says yes, ma'am, I will be strong.

......and she said to me, "I know you will", with a smile.

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Many things were said and not said today in the hour I spent with her before [redacted] took her to the hospital to be admitted....

to die.

She wants to die there; I'm assuming it's some kind of protection for me or safety for her or both.

I said goodbye to my mother for the last time, today, in the home I lived in as a child, the home she kept while I grew up in Kansas, the home her and [redacted] came back to - me following shortly behind because I couldn't stand the distance from her, the only home my children have known of her. Today I said goodbye to my mother, as blood ran from her nose, tears from my eyes. Today I said goodbye to home.

Nobody will ever know a pain like this unless they've lived it. I curse God, I curse everything and everyone.

Today I woke up with hope I'd get a surprise call, or flowers, or something.

Today I woke up and said goodbye to my mother, instead.