FEBRUARY 15-18, 2022

February 15, 2022

When I was 5, I came home from Kindergarten with a paper full of horribly spelled horrible cuss words that my mother either found or I was proud to show her (noted to ask tomorrow). It is clear as day for me in this moment, her face morphing into this lady I did not want to be anywhere nearby. It was the first reckoning of my mother's that I can recall, and I learned at the young age of 5, a lady does not ever, under any circumstance (at least around her mother), use gutter language - she called it gutter language and that sends me into hysterics to remember.


"Who the fuck is Dr. Jerkoff?"

I'd just entered her room, ICU now, moved overnight. Things are chaotic; I'm in my head trying to follow the patterns and strings and rabbit holes into how in the fuck are we here and what happens next? SOMEONE JUST TELL ME WHAT HAPPENS. As [redacted] is giving me the "soft" version of what has transpired over the last 24 hours, that she needs kidney dialysis immediately or the tumors pressing into both kidneys would kill her by morning. I think this is when I started "oh, fuck-ing" in my head and then I her her loudly saying through coughs and huffs and other incoherent language, "it's just fear-porn, [redacted], Dr. Jerkoff is fear-porning us don't fall for it".

Felt like I was at a tennis match I whipped my head around so fast, side-eyed [redacted], stared at that fucking softball on her neck.

I allowed a couple of tears to fall, gathered my faculties, and sat by her. Was attempting to have a heart to heart but Dr. Jerkoff walked in and ruined that. I was grateful, though, I was able to get the not "soft" version of what was going on.

He explained that the cancer was everywhere and spreading quickly. The chemo she was going to be starting the next day to not save her life but make it a little bit longer (weeks) and less painful (God willing), could not be administered as it would go through the kidneys, which weren't working because of the tumors the chemo would shrink; what a sick joke, right? He goes on to say that it's not only a matter of chemo, but also a matter of dying from kidney/heart failure within the day if she does not get on dialysis right then.

Not sure what planet I floated to, but it was a nice escape.

Dr. Jerkoff leaves after she tells him he can eat shit - no she didn't really say that - but she basically did. She said she will tell HIM when she decides if she'll have the dialysis or not, she doesn't need the fear porn.

*10:26 am Died a thousand deaths and went back to the escape planet.

*10:27 am Returned from vay-cay with clarity, understanding, and acceptance of the situation. I sat by her as she is freaking dying in front of me (that's not dramatic, she's knocking on death's door), tell her that I am proud of her, I support whatever decision she makes, but, and this was a really big but because it is a full circle of all of the times since she had me that I heard "will you at least try?" coming out of her mouth, directed at me, her daughter, in times I wanted to give up but she was there to remind me I can always choose to at least try, one more time, even if it ends in failure, I'd still be able to go out with dignity and honor and *pride*.

She looked at me and she's lost her will. She's lost it. Told her she put up a hell of a fight and she didn't need to worry about me. She nodded, stoic?, I cannot place the look at this moment.

12:24 pm left hospital to get groceries and kids from school

2:20 pm

Port for kidney dialysis went in with no issues, first dialysis going - 9:23 pm - she did it. she saved her own life. for at least long enough to say goodbye, at home.


February 16, 2022

Utterly exhausted... She's not well. she's not well. I just keep praying, hoping, screaming into the void WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME, GOD, ANYONE, FUCKING FUCK.

But then I remember she chose to go through MORE HELL just to add a week or two to her life.

& so, I can't, I won't, ever complain again. ever.


February 17, 2022

She is so angry, shaking, her mouth has gone numb, so they sent her for a CT scan.


She has a fucking monster growing all over, but clearly, CLEARLY, most definitely, the head monster is growing out of her fucking clavicle or something, and so I'd bet that's why she can't feel her mouth, doc.

I started going down her fear porn rabbit holes of 'Jesus, they will do anything for money in healthcare, even subject a dying woman TO ANOTHER SCAN because apparently everyone is fucking blind, I dunno'; I am not saying this rabbit hole is fear porn but I am saying I have been in the cancer world for 3 years now and this fear porn is legit.

I am trying to laugh but God, she was so mean today. And I know it's a shit show in her mind right now, full of regrets, with mixtures of morphine, poison, you name it running through body and mind, just the normal process of death, so much, so I took one for the team, let [redacted] go take a breather.

I held her hand as she slept when he left, thanking God for inventing silent sobs so I didn't wake her. She woke once and told me to stop studying her face, then we smiled at each other. I have a lot to say about this time together but am not ready in this moment.

They came and said chemo was good to go, her dialysis was working.

*89th trip to the escape planet

I think I made them repeat to make sure I heard correctly.

Dialysis brought her into a range where a half dose of the chemo regimen she was going to be receiving initially was okayed to begin immediate administration - started at 4: something pm

holy shit.


February 18, 2022

Received the same text I've received from her for as long as I can remember "Good Morning, Baby!". She was like a new person today - the steroids?

Or, or... s that softball now a baseball?!

I kept asking myself that, but at this point I'm most likely hallucinating, too....

My knowns, as of this moment:

- the most courageous human that walks this Earth, I have for a mother

- my story doesn't only belong to me - she's a main character - she's already fought this beast once, as her only child was/is fighting a different beast. She's learning in real time, as I have been, just how twisted and backwards this world really is. She's been worried sick about her grandchildren, but goddammit, she fought. and I saw she was there, she was done. it's something you cannot explain, but my mother was done.

- something in her shifted; she remembered who in the fuck she was; throwing the hail mary just to stay alive a little bit longer, to enjoy the true beauty of what life, love, all of this means. She said fuck you, death, I'm not ready. She said run my blood through whatever, get it clean, pump that horrid poison in me because I want to see my grandchildren one more time.

and so, from this moment forward, no excuses.

for anything.

I become what she's trained me to become; I will make her proud.

But fuck if this isn't hard.