February 25, 2020

I am broken.

It seems hell is full of fun time circus mirrors and this is probably why they call it hell. These mirrors distort things, make me think I am climbing out but in reality, I am just walking in circles laughing at the things I morph into.

There are circus clowns in hell, too, trying to distract me from figuring out that I'm actually still trapped in hell. They wear masks of self-serving yuck with painted smiles the color of Eve's apple and inviting eyes that I buy into because I still have zero concept of boundaries or any understanding that not everyone is like me.

I still BELIEVE. This is the root of all of my pain.

I still believe that people sincerely value me when in reality they want to use me because of my story. They want to use me because I'm pretty. They want to use me because they see my good soul and they try to suck it out of me for their own personal gain, time and time again. AND I LET THEM.

This is how I know I haven't learned a thing while stuck in this vortex of Barnum & Bailey's 7th circle of circus hell.

A part of me feels like there is no God because what God lets a person be repeatedly violated, betrayed, shamed??

Do I just stop believing in things? Do I become something I'm not by putting a hardened shell up around my entire being? Do I never trust or love again?

And I fight the path to freedom. I fight that I might have to lose my sense of self to make it out of hell. I might have to become something I'm not, a soulless robot who treats all humans as though they are a business investment. But, I fear this is the only way I make it because nobody has heart anymore. Nobody thinks of others as I think of them. They soothe themselves and their heinous facades by slander, projection, and passive aggressive digs.

I keep telling myself that they are the ones that are actually suffering but I don't BELIEVE this. If this were true, why is it so easy for one to watch an already defeated girl get demolished by heinous accusations and peers turning the other cheek? Why is it easy for one to pretend to care about a vulnerable women while using her as a band-aid for their own screwed up problems?

I hate society right now. I hate myself, too. I hate that I hate.

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Ok, so I don't *hate* everything, myself included. However, there is this constant battle within to shake others until they understand what kindness, loyalty, compassion means versus turning the other