February 26, 2020

Ok, so I don't *hate* everything, myself included. However, there is this constant battle within to shake others until they understand what kindness, loyalty, compassion means versus turning the other cheek on hypocrisy and solipsistic people by ignoring.

Why do I feel this need to make people become decent human beings?

I notice I get most affected by those who cannot see past their own noses. I feel rage, directed at myself and at others, when I give and they take. I go in circles, making excuses, questioning intent.

I have the deepest desire to be understood, to feel like someone gets me. My dearest friends tell me "Cake, you have to realize not everyone is like you" and for the briefest moment I agree. Inevitably, I circle back to questioning why others can't have as deep of an understanding about me as I do them. Why can they not give as the receive from me?

This desire to be understood is most likely due to the fact that I don't understand myself. I am disconnected from emotions, "Cake, how do you really feel" is on a constant loop in my head. This constant loop is the byproduct of something deeper, my need to find meaning in just about everything this universe has to offer. I cannot stop asking questions. I was a "why" child and it seems I haven't shaken that part of my identity. Do I even want to?

Why would I want to accept things at the surface level? Why would anyone? When someone does accept surface level answers, I get triggered and start that internal rage of wanting to shake them and scream "words aren't just words! There are 10 levels of deepness to uncover!"

I just had an ephiphany re-reading all of this: I must understand myself first. Ha. I am a 50,000 piece puzzle. This should be fun.

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I am broken. It seems hell is full of fun time circus mirrors and this is probably why they call it hell. These mirrors distort things, make me think I am climbing out but in reality, I am just walkin