FEBRUARY 6, 2019

I speak a lot about my growth spiritually, mentally, emotionally, etc throughout my betrayal healing. It helps me to speak of the positives despite the hell I go through. Not often do I speak of the other side of this journey.....the one that stays locked down tight because who likes a Debby Downer?

Right now, I'm going through the most intense loneliness I think I've ever experienced. It feels as though my children & I have been dropped on some deserted island with 1 juice box they'll fight over, & that's it. There might be a native on this island, but I don't trust them. I trust no one. Except the children fighting over the juice box not realizing they better save that, because it's rainwater from here on out unless mommy can find a job on this deserted island.

My mom, who is actually dying, bears the brunt of my goods & bads because friends have gone silent. Those that peak around the corner every now & then might talk to him, so I can't be open. Regardless, who even really understands being a full time mom of toddler twins, the wife of a deceiver, & the daughter of a cancer patient? Nada.

Idk, maybe I didn't really understand the enormity of my particular situation & now I do? I always tell my mom that this is the stuff we see in movies, not my actual life. I don't remember dreaming of this life when I was a little girl.

Am I forced to isolate? I self isolate? I see & talk to plenty of people but there's always that sadness/lonliness trying to overtake the connections.

What's the difference in a pity party & legit feeling sad for yourself?

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