She looked frail today, nervously rubbing her withered hands together as we spoke of my future. The lump on her collarbone growing larger and her skin has started to turn an odd color resembling an overcast winters sky; grey and bland. She asked if I had brought over her last PET scan & for the millionth time, I lied. I lied because I didn't find it necessary that she get worked up over a scan from a year ago and quite frankly, I just can't handle seeing her worry anymore than I already have to. I managed to mumble "I'm sorry, I totally forgot to grab it" as I stared at that stupid lump on her collarbone, silently cursing the surgeon who left that positive lymph node behind, allowing cancer the ability to spread and take over my mother's body, slowly killing her while I am forced to be a helpless bystander.
I have spent my energy over the last year focusing on surviving and healing. I am assuming this allowed me to put my mother's condition on the back burner, handing it over to God. Now that I have mostly healed and come to terms with the decade of dissociation, betrayal, and abuse I endured, God has thrown the ball back to me. That ball has hit me hard in the form of grief. What I'm struggling with the most is that this human, my mother & her impending death, is what is causing my grief and the person causing my grief is also the person who has always consoled me when I was grieving. Who do I turn to when she's gone?
Yourself, Cake, yourself.
Time is a paradox; valuable yet impassive and futile. While healing from the betrayal of my husband, focusing on the present was key to me staying grounded. What I'm finding now that my attention has shifted to the reality of my mother dying is that I question the importance of living in the present while grieving. It is suffocating to live in the present while grieving her demise. I long for nothing but the future, for when this can all be over and to have these overwhelming feelings end. As long as I am present, I hurt.
However, I need this hurt. This hurt is a catalyst to even more growth and the internal spirit and discipline of thoughts from overcoming despair has prepared me. It has provided the tools I need in order to get through this. I have to once again dig deep, transmute this grief before it wins and takes over me.
I suppose this leaves me no other option than to explore the meaning of life and death to help me come to terms with this devastation; to ask the hard questions and seek the hard answers. The purpose of life, of my life. To find meaning in this shit hole of a year I've had to go through. I think I was on the cusp of figuring out the bigger picture before this stray cloud decided to find me & I'm positive I will prevail, finding comfort from pain and that the sun will shine again on me. I have to remain centered, feel my emotions, accept them, learn from them, face my fears, trust the process, and keep moving forward.
Just keep moving forward.