JANUARY 25, 2019

Deception is a lonely place. Intentional deception is even worse.


Finding out your husband was asking girls on gamer sites to show their goods while you were going through grueling in vitro regimes is devastating. Seeing your husband has degraded females on said gamer sites as you were losing the first ever embryo to give you a positive pregnancy test, is even more devastating.


You were left to fall on your own; sobbing and cursing Jesus as he got his rocks off to these gamer chicks & most likely, much more.


Looking back, the negligence & inability to show true concern & empathy was blatantly obvious.


Why was I so blind?


I stockpile this grief for weeks at a time until my cup runneth over & I collapse from shear exhaustion from carrying it around. I know, I know....totally unproductive way to deal with it. I don't really know what to do about it because this divorce is forever bringing up things I'd not had a clue about. I get to a good solid place in my healing & then another crappy realization of what was really going on behind my back appears, knocking the wind out of me every single time. But, those kids I focus on cause me to lock these realizations away until they've grown too big I must break down in a fit of sobs after the kids are asleep.


I just want to grieve, you know? With no new information thrown my way & with no court hearings to be worried about. Just grieving in peace.


Someone told me to pull out my canvas & paint.


So, I'm going to go do that instead of crying over spilt milk.