JANUARY 31, 2019

My journaling has clearly taken a nosedive & it's obvious this is directly correlated with the quicksand I can't get out of.


So.


Cake is going to stop staying all inside her head. I'm going to get back to putting my thoughts in writings; long ones for a book, Mr. Used Car Sales Lawyer.


Divorce is devastating to any normal human. When divorce happens because you were forced into it, it's not only devastating, it is isolating. You suddenly become the enemy. Nevermind that you are literally just trying to save your sanity & hold on to that tiny sound in the background that's been saying You are so much better than this & deserve so much better. Please Cake, find the girl you were 10 years ago.


Man versus self; protagonist versus antagonist. This is my struggle & everytime something of extreme significance is brought to light, I revert back to timid, in my head, Cake. Never locking eyes with a stranger, being hyper alert, hopeless in my journey.


The correlation I'm finding, is when these unknown/buried things are found, they overtake the rational, strong, defiant woman that I've worked really hard on. It's like the path to my growth & healing just retreats into black & I'm that lost person again; sobbing at night, alone, blaming myself. Hopeless & seeing 45 reflections in the mirror.


I've learned enough to know that the universe likes things joined on all frequencies & when you doubt or don't have understanding about things, you get really scared. This fear sends me backwards & the more out if touch I get with my inner being, the more I freak the hell out.


Here's why I think my journaling is such a catalyst to centering myself; it let's me spill my conscious thoughts out to human beings who kind of "get it" & these human beings have a great capacity to help me acknowledge what my inner being really is when it's free.


Full circle.

Healing...


Consisted of/consists of hours upon hours of: research, therapy, self-love, meditation, photography, journaling, self-reflection, 1 million gallons of tears shed while having talks with my inner therapist, etc.


Blown apart. But, not really. I still feel like I'm worth a shit, I still want to journal, I still want spring to get here so I can photograph, I still sob & grow while doing so, I still do therapy, etc.


The only thing that makes me feel like I reset to the days before I started healing, is the inability to forgive myself. Every day I find something. Monday's finding made me physically ill, once again.


How in the hell was I so blind?


I just want an answer to this; that I know I'll never get.