JANUARY 8, 2019

    Dear Cake,


    You find the most clarity on the nights you're collapsed on the floor, weeping into your hands. The cathartic release summons your inner therapist & thus begins the sorting out of shit in your head. Last night's inner dialog finally made it clear to you why you feel so stuck right now; forgiveness.


    for·give·ness

    /ˌfərˈɡivnəs/

    noun

    the action or process of forgiving or being forgiven.


    Such a simple definition for a word that is holding up your healing. Your rational self knows it will be impossible for you to ever move on if you do not forgive. You were raised and are raising your children to understand that God forgives us, therefore, we should forgive each other. So why is it so hard for you, Cake??? You have two very solid reasons to just bypass all of the resentment you feel but you just can't do it.


    You seem to think that if you forgive him it would mean that you are accepting the horrid things that happened to you, like you condoned the behaviors & actions. You also recognize that you are letting the raw pain from this affect your perception of him, which makes you want to give him the finger instead of forgiving him. You get physical reactions just hearing his name; you tense up, knot in stomach, lump in throat. Because of this, you avoid thinking about him & communicating with him. There's also the fact that you still, almost 7 months later, have absolutely no idea the extent of everything. How does one forgive something they know nothing about? You are finding lots of things on your own that most likely will never be acknowledged by him; how do you forgive someone that hides?


    You are far enough in your personal growth, that you understand you only have control of you. You can't force somebody to apologize or show remorse.


    Once you figure out all of the hurt inside, maybe forgiveness will be an easy thing to do....


    What a tough mountain this is. However, you'd climb it over and over again if you had to. You have transformed through the pain into something you never thought possible & you will never again let anybody make you feel as worthless and crappy as he did.


    I forgive myself for not following my intuition.

    I'm not sure if I need to forgive myself for getting involved with him. How could I have possibly known this was going to be the outcome?

    If anything, I'm struggling to forgive myself for staying.


    This is why journals are so significant; you can start seeing the pattern.


    Cake goes rogue for a bit, then she posts an enlightening journal out of nowhere, then massive music bombs happen.

    That's me headed towards the bottom, getting the thoughts out via writing instead of internalizing & then music to remember my state of being after I made it through the dip.