JULY 12, 2018

I've been writing & rewriting this for 3 days. Each time I try & begin, I end up in tears.

I'm the wife of a porn addict. I'm the wife of a liar. I'm the wife of a deceitful person. I'm the wife of a selfish person. I'm the wife of a man that has taken things from me that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.


He's the husband of a loyal wife. A thoughtful wife. A forgiving wife. A loving & understanding wife. He should consider himself blessed.


We've been married 7 years & have 2 amazing children. When we met, he was nothing short of the Prince Charming us girls dream about. As our wedding neared, my prince charming was starting to grow distant. I assumed wedding prep was stressing him out (as it was me!) & he needed some space. I happened to stumble upon loads of downloaded images/videos to our shared computer 1 month before our wedding. This prompted further digging & I discovered he was looking at local escort sites. Holy devastation. Embarrassment of canceling the wedding & naivete about porn addiction on my part led me down the aisle to this man. Our honeymoon consisted of continued isolation from him (definitely not behaving like he just married his dream girl). I, once again, assumed it was wedding related stress.


The following 2 years were spent fighting way more than sharing intimacy. He was always busy. Too busy to treat his wife right. Too busy to hold a conversation. Again, naive me chalked this up to normal "married life". We had kids & continued to live like roommates until 4 days ago. My personal D-Day.


My mother is battling lung cancer. I'm an only child who is VERY very close to her. This alone has devastated me & made me question everything in life. One would think that during this time in their spouses life they would need to be the absolute most supportive spouse they could be. Not my husband. He apparently thought pornography should take precedence over a traumatic event I had no control over.


4 days ago I confronted him about the porn I'd found on the tablet & all of the weird behavior he's exhibited lately. He played the blame game. It was my fault, yada yada. What he didn't know, was that I had already suspected something because he was acting exactly like before our wedding. For weeks (probably years) I've been trying to figure out how I, a stay at home mother, could survive with 2 kids & no job. I've had escape plans ready. I, nor my children, deserve this behavior. It's not productive to ANY of us. I approached him about my findings, explained to him he needed help, and promptly made him leave.


I offered to let him come home 2 nights ago to talk about things. He came home; really seemed like he was having a "coming to Jesus moment". I took vows. They meant something to me. I'm a product of divorce, & I'll do anything I can to make sure my kids don't go through that. I believe in my husband. I will stand by him & help him as long as he helps himself. He knows what is on the line. I pray he doesn't let us down.


The porn isn't new; my reaction is. We have children now. My mom is dying of cancer. No more faking it until I make it. I see how very innocent (through my kids) & how very short (through cancer) life can be. I'm done. My mom's cancer is making me face my own mortality. I want whatever life I have left to be a happy, fulfilled one. I will stick through this him IF & ONLY IF he shows me he's willing to get help for himself, use the tools, and just be a faithful, reliable, trustworthy husband.


The anger in me has returned. I went to bed in my husband's arms last night, feeling things I've needed to feel for a long time that he is consciously providing now. Why did I wake up angry again? I've been mad ALL DAY. He's been really trying to rectify my mood, but that just makes me angrier!


What has angered me, day 1:

-He hasn't said thank you at all for sticking by his side -He switched from face in phone for games/porn to face in phone "learning" about his addiction -He gets clearly angry when I try and communicate how I'm feeling at the moment; normal, legit feelings for the wife of a porn addict -Avoiding me (probably senses I'm angry) -Pity party from him; "I haven't eaten in 3 days" (choke on a food item, dear husband.) -Acts normal while I'm still wrapping my head around everything -End of day, after me trying to communicate my feelings in that moment and him getting mad about me doing so, he quits talking to me other than our usual one-word question/response communication. This reiterates to me he's not ready to put forth the effort. I get being new to this, but if you just spent all day ignoring me to "learn" about your addiction, did you not learn to SUCK EVERYTHING UP & BE THERE FOR YOUR WIFE? BECAUSE YOU MADE HER THIS WAY. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO PLAY THE POOR ME GAME. YOU HAVE 7 YEARS OF NEGLECT, BETRAYAL, LIES, INSECURITIES, ETC TO MAKE UP FOR IF YOU WANT THIS FAMILY. SUCK YOUR FEELINGS THE EFF UP, MY SWEET HUSBAND. IT'S TIME TO FINALLY FOCUS ON YOUR WIFE'S NEEDS. SHE'S ONLY BEEN SCREAMING ABOUT THEM FOR 7+ YEARS.


What a rollercoaster I'm in for. I'm not backing down yet. Hopefully day 2 will be better for me.