JULY 13, 2018

Yesterday, I was angry. Nothing, and I mean nothing, could change my mood kind of angry.

My husband, the porn addict, has put 100% thus far into no pornography. That's what made me so angry.

He works from home 2 days a week and yesterday was one of those days. It was the 1st day since d-day (5 days ago) that I've been with him all day. When I say he's enthusiastic about this journey, I'm not lying. He was on his phone yesterday, all day. He wasn't looking at porn, or games, or anything that would hinder this reboot. He was so intrigued by the info he was reading/watching about porn addiction.

His porn addiction denied me quality time. Action: him staring at phone ALL DAY; Reaction: I got triggered. Although the content was much more preferred it still didn't change the fact he was behaving as usual. Neglect, isolation, etc. Nose in phone. He used tools to ask me how I was feeling (kudos to him). I unleashed. The anger of him being on his phone all day & the triggers it brought up were too much for me to think clearly. My brain has 7 + years of pain bottled up. I need to work on not reacting immediately. It's totally fair that I do, however, I just can't see this being productive. Should I lay into his ass every time he exhibits behavior that has been a product of porn addiction? (Ex: Excessive phone use, regardless of searches, in turn making me feel alone, like usual)

I need to find a way to communicate healthy while wanting to gauge someone's eyes out.

Once the initial anger wore off & I was able to think clear, it began to make me feel worse. I was mad at myself more than anything. Being angry is a valid emotion right now. How I communicate that anger is up to me. Nothing productive came of it (initially). I don't want my husband to feel like he can't do anything right, because he really is trying.

It's a hard journey but absolutely worth it!

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