I've been absent, not by choice. As a refresher, here's a rundown:
-married 7 years, together 9
-caught porn addict husband 1 month before wedding looking at local escorts. I was never getting attention at this point. Thought it was all wedding day nerves. Forgave him; most definitely because I was ashamed/naive/thought he'd change
- had kids after 3-4 yrs marriage
- marriage has always been miserable. He's never treated me like a partner. He controls finances, most major decisions, & up until d-day, he would control our sex life.
- I started noticing as our poor sex life dwindled further he was blaming me for the decline. Projection. Made me crazy thinking I was to blame.
- thought he was having an affair. Couldn't find anything (there were a few messages to a co-worker I felt were over the line & I've discussed w/him)
- still had a GUT FEELING something wasn't right. There was no way this behavior was that of a "loving, devoted husband ".
- d-day. Jackpot of hidden porn on a tablet rarely used. Further investigation, on phone as well.
- because we have kids now the light switched. This wasn't normal & I deserved better. So did our kids. Told him to leave & stay at his mom's. He complied.
- Felt it prudent I at least give him a chance to acknowledge he has an addiction. He came home that night. He shared his porn addiction of 17+ years and acknowledged he was addicted. Shocked me, truly.
- for 2 weeks he's had no porn (if he's being honest).
- he is consciously starting conversations with me..my day, feelings, etc
- for every 2 good days, there's 2 bad (in my head).
- lots of angry outbursts on my end; random; confusing & makes me mad at myself
Which brings us to today, roughly 2 weeks post d-day.
My mother had surgery to *hopefully* get rid of the cancer she was diagnosed with. Yesterday we found out the surgery didn't get it all. By we, I mean my parents & I. I'm an only child & my husband stays back to watch the kids. She's facing a lethal amount of chemo.
My best friend, my mother, is dying while fighting. My dad, is also aging. It's been on my shoulders to carry us through. Meanwhile, my husband admits he's a porn addict. I have 2 young kids.
This week the lows have been more frequent than highs in our recovery. I feel the lack of attention I felt prior to d-day. Lack of empathy. Lack of companionship.
I found a trick my husband does. He does something nice thinking it lets him off the hook for a little while. Cool, right?! I called him out on it & he agreed. I'm not sure how this info will help as I feel like he'll forever be doing something nice just to benefit himself. A lot of anger stems from this trigger. In the past: *he's doing the dishes w/out me asking. Oh crap, he must want to do some weird thing he knows I hate that he saw on porn but he did the dishes so I owe him* I need to work on accepting his progress & learn how to heal.
Tonight, 2 weeks post d-day, I finally started asking questions I hadn't previously asked him about his addiction. Question:
-did you masturbate to porn while we were trying to conceive? YES
-did you masturbate to porn throughout my pregnancy even though you knew I was a willing participant? YES
-did you masturbate to porn while I was up every night nursing our babies or hooked up to some effing machine squeezing milk out my tata's for the kids or when you never washed a bottle in their entire infancy & watched me, sleep-deprived & a wreck, do it?
For whatever reason, this was the worst blow yet. Out of it all. Hit me like a hammer. We literally had to pay $ to have children. It wasn't an accident. It was a much talked about conversation. We have fertility issues. Everything was planned. I fell pregnant with twins, thanks to science. I grew as the twins grew. I was a ballet dancer for 17 years. My body changed & it gave me anxiety. I had no control. Horrible memories of what should of been the happiest time of my life. What an awful feeling.
2 weeks down. Lots to go. This too shall pass