OCTOBER 10, 2018

Dear Husband,

In case my random outbursts, crying fits, & withdrawal from you weren't clues, I'm going through some s*** right now. I think it's called grief, and it brought baggage: powerlessness, isolation, self-blame, despair, disbelief, anger, apathy, betrayal, uncertainty, weak, and fear. They've been loads of fun, huh? I am going to write out some of the million thoughts that go through my head as I'm being screamed at by our kids or stonewalled by you:

I'm so exhausted; I wish my life were different; he let me marry him knowing he had a problem; speaking of problems, when will I ever get the full rundown as well as him making amends to those; why is he still deceiving me? Duh, cake, it's because he's not really working his recovery; s***, he's going to force me to be one of those wives that tracks their husbands every move because he is too passive about his recovery; when is he going to stop playing victim; am I a victim?; he picked the most genuine person ever to destroy, yet I supported him; why am I the bad guy all of the time?; Alaska sounds nice but I have no job and two kids; speaking of job, he promised to help me build a photography business website and it's been like, 10 months, & he writes code for a living; duh, Cake, you aren't important to him, that's why he hasn't finished it; that's why you don't get any "words of affirmation" or physical touch; he should know by now if he was really serious about recovery and saving the family, all he has to do is show that he's at least trying; I can't keep doing this; why do I have to be the strong one; is he on his phone again, yes, he's on his f***** phone again; what an idiot; I just want to cry

It's at that point you usually hear a couple of f-bombs as I fly past you to get somewhere alone. Somewhere you can't see or contribute to my weaknesses. My weaknesses just keep making me weaker, and when you have to live with someone who acts as though your very existence was a massive mistake by God, it tends to wear a person down. I know you appreciate the fact that I'm a strong woman, but Lord Jesus I get weak, too. I need you when I'm weak but you make me want to run away. I'm scared you aren't as invested as you should be, yet, I don't know if I have the energy to even care at this point. I am so burned-out from the disaster your addiction created & just life in general that I could just collapse. I am physically and emotionally drained & I feel like I shouldn't have to repeat this to you (although, I do), for you to finally go OH! YOU MEAN, YOU'RE TIRED OF ME ACTING LIKE I'M BECOMING THIS BETTER PERSON BY CHANGING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IN THIS MARRIAGE??? WELL S*** GIRL, I'M GOING TO ACTUALLY INVEST IN BECOMING A BETTER MAN THIS TIME & GIVE YOU THE HUSBAND YOU DESERVE. THANKS FOR STICKING WITH ME, WIFEY, I OWE YOU A SOLID.

I am patiently waiting, although I am sure you feel the opposite radiating off of me. My loyalty to you has never wavered & you know this; acknowledgement of this act is welcomed. No one said this would be easy, so let's start knocking these walls down together, ok?

I love you & believe in you.


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