OCTOBER 15, 2018

Dear husband,


I have not talked to you in 36+ hours. You have not checked in on me, or your children. I see on Google map locations that you're at a restaurant, close to 10 at night..... How nice. Is it with an escort? A mutual friend? A co-worker? Who knows...


The only things I know to be true right this second are:


- you abandoned your family long, long ago

- you were given so many gifts in the form of chances by me and you've taken a hammer to every one of them.

- I pray your daughter never has to feel what I feel & I pray your son never does this to a woman.

- your actions tell me all I need to know about what direction you want this to go

- all you had to do was be open, respectful, & committed to your family on a consistent basis.

- you don't accept my emotions without minimizing or blaming me

- you aren't engaged in our relationship and in our family. You are never fully present, emotionally speaking.

- I was told by your therapist yesterday that you had an accountability partner? Wat? Either you're lying to her, or me.

- you have no patience with me & have no clue what empathy means

- I have never been & continue to not be a priority of yours, although you've been mine for years.

- you have taken no steps to make me feel safe. You've actually started to traumatize me all over again with your flippant behavior.

- you have not become any more open & honest with me than you were prior to d-day. You continue to purposely manipulate & gaslight me.

- you do not encourage my healing. You complain about my therapist to the point of me not giving a single eff anymore.


One of the kids & I both have temps which meant my mom couldn't come help today (in case you've forgotten, your mother-in-law has cancer & just finished 6 rounds of chemo; her immune system is shot). Don't worry, you know I've got this. Enjoy your night out.


Cake



Cake Ina Crisis

Self Identity 101

14 October 2018


Only Child; Lonely Adult

Being an only child always carried the assumption from others that I got everything I wanted. Being an only child of divorced parents, doubled that "spoiled child" association. I often found myself feeling guilty around birthdays, holidays, & vacations. I would get 2 of everything. I have lived a life full of being cognizant with displaying unselfish behavior to "prove" not all only children are spoiled brats.


I am simply captivated by those with siblings. I'll sit silently as an observer, watching as they make shitty ass comments to the other & then 5 minutes later are all I love you bro, wanna take mom's car out for a spin?. I would think silently to myself about how quickly they forgot why they were mad. I definitely carry this into adulthood. I never had anyone to "get mad at & get over it with" and I find myself being the type of person that will cut someone off like nothing if they wrong me in any way. I didn't learn that you can still like/love someone after they've wronged you. Flip-side of this irrational belief of mine, that once you do me wrong you're gone, is that I am fiercely loyal & my intuition is borderline Miss Cleo of the 1-800-call-a-psychic days.


The biggest hindrance of being an only child in a relationship, especially one where addiction is involved, is our need for independence. Only children have nothing BUT their imagination growing up. We are creative, sensitive, & love our alone time to really tap into the deeper part of ourselves. Addicts tend to be needy. They "play up" the self-pity. They take advantage of the only child's inquisitive & nurturing mind.


I can only assume my INFJ personality type is attributed to being an only child. My archetype is the seeker, with creativity being my biggest attribute. I do not doubt for a second that being an only child has dramatically altered my view of the world & the ways I live in it.


It's a blessing in disguise. My biased opinion is that being an only child has given me an advantage over those with siblings on an intuitive level. We are amazing judges of character, which we ignore & welcome the opportunity to let others prove our character judgement wrong.

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