Good news is, the times of my self-pity episodes are shortening & that in itself is amazeballs. Bad news, divorce is still inevitable. Excuse my laziness in not writing a thoughtful, intelligent, meaningful letter to you tonight. Rather, I am going to copy & paste the notes I've kept throughout the day, once again, desperately hoping you see the errors of your ways. Always remember had I not discovered your secret, your kids might have.
- counseling today was intense; I have not felt that vulnerable/honest/weak in a long time. I thought you really heard my pain; your therapist sure did.
- while at counseling today, you waited until the very last minute to let me know you were putting your 2 weeks in at your current job to do some start-up, I think? All I know was that I honestly saw red. I was fuming & couldn't see/hear/think straight. I remember telling your therapist over and over that this was the first time I was being told this information & I remember looking you in the eyes & telling you how disrespectful that was of you to do. To not only your wife, but the mother of your children, & a fucking human being. I invented the games you play, you fool. I see right through you. You covered all of your bases so you could come out squeaky clean. Manipulators be manipulating & you are a master.
- on the way home from counseling session it was silence, of course. 15 minutes into the drive you ask me "would you want to go somewhere this weekend, just the 2 of us? I want to surprise you with something, but I'll have to know what your answer is by tonight, because it's time sensitive." I think I saw red again, at this point. You surprised me with life-changing news, not in a good way, just 20 minutes earlier & now you're telling me you want to take me somewhere this weekend as a surprise, but I have to make up my mind by tonight?!? You have convinced me I'm in some real life Truman show shit, because wow. Just, wow.
- I have to leave as soon as we get home to go pick-up the kids. Upon returning & up until 5:00, you were face in computer; I dig it. You have a job & yours is done on the computer.
- 5:00pm; I'm trying to explain to kids how it makes mommy feel when she's trying to do something, but all she can hear is fighting. As 3 year olds do, they ignored my little talk with them. I point out to you, hoping to make you a little more aware, that things like that (being ignored) happen hourly for me. I was hoping you'd maybe look at things from a different perspective. We had literally just talked about my desire to feel heard/paid attention too in therapy & that need was acknowledged by both you & your therapist. I ignorantly assumed you'd get where I was going with pointing out how much I was ignored (& not just by you!) because of the earlier conversation. You start to say something in response to my attempt at hoping you become more aware of things other than yourself. You catch yourself before any words come out, pause, & then say "you hear how I feel" (which FYI, that 5 word response is getting overplayed; it's time you start actually understanding what I feel & why I feel those ways). I ask you what you were going to say prior to "you hearing how I feel", because it was blatantly obvious you were about to say something you realized you shouldn't. You said you weren't going to say anything & then rolled your eyes at me. I asked what that was for & you said because I was attacking you. That little exchange has left me once again feeling confused, unworthy, unheard, crazy, sad, angry, etc. I'm so tired of this.
- 6:00pm; you have avoided me for 30 minutes "cleaning". You do this all of the time. You stay "busy"; with work, porn, now it's apparently cleaning, so you don't have to spend time with me. At least that's how I feel, as the person you've neglected for 10 years.
- 9:00pm; I just got out of bath & you are on your laptop. You don't say anything to me other than "what are you looking for", as you noticed I was on the hunt for something. As of now, there is still no 15 minute affirmation towards me, like your counselor asked you to start doing, and to which you agreed. Also, as of right now, you have not communicated with me any further regarding this new career path you've decided to do, without asking your wife how she feels about it.
- 9:30pm; You have moved into our bedroom (yours right now, because for some twisted unknown reason, I'm the one confined to a small bed in a lonely room, that was once our children's playroom). Ironic, right? Their mother spends sometimes hours, daily, just sobbing into this now empty room hoping God hears me. I look at the walls & can spot a stray crayon mark or reminiscent chalk from that phase of their discoveries. I am isolated in the very room I have laughed the hardest & felt some of the greatest joy with my babies. It is also the room I was in the day my mother told me to look up the word "spiculated", as it was on the Cat scan report of hers we were going over. It was in this room I sit in at this very moment, that I realized my mom had cancer. I couldn't let her know what I'd just read, so I lied, said it was nothing, & her & her grandchildren carried on playing. I sat in this room that day, feeling for the first time, an almost out of body experience; she was happy, the kids were happy, & I sat there feeling as alone as I do right now, in the very same room.
Still waiting on affirmations & communications for today.
- 9:45pm; I ask you what you are doing on your laptop & you tell me you have to deploy tonight (work). I tell you I'm going to bed, again, hoping you'd pull your head out of your ass & remorsefully said "oh beautiful wife, my love, I've forgotten to tell you how very special you are to me. You have carried this family through the darkest of times & I will show you every day what your support has meant to me. *continues with every affirmation I've ever wanted to hear*". I was a bit dramatic in my reenactment; a quick "hey babe, I've been super shitty & I'm going to fix that. You're the best thing that's happened to me; thank you" would have been exactly what I needed. BUT, your response to me telling you I was going to bed was "OK". I summoned the energy to not tear into your ass. I calmy ask you, "so I am not getting my 15 minutes of positive affirmation today?". You glance towards your laptop, look back at me, & say nothing. What it said to me was, "but, but, but, but I've been working so I haven't had time for you. Find out you are worth a damn elsewhere." So, I have retreated to "happy, unhappy cancer room" to try & get at least 3 hours of sleep tonight.
- 11:00pm; no word from you. You have not attempted any sort of saving your ass by coming to this desolate room & just loving me. I go to bed, once again, with divorce & cancer on my mind. I know you pride your little trophy wife on being strong, but do not forget, I was once a little girl like our own daughter. I am fragile & human; super only comes before fragile.
11:22pm; I enter "our" bedroom to finish up nighttime routine in "our" bathroom. I open our bedroom door & see a finger held up, as a parent would do to their child when non-verbally saying "be quiet". Oh, you're on the phone! With whom, I mouth to you. You mouth back the name of this new "boss" of yours, that has talked you into leaving your stable job, right this second to work for him. So, here's what that tells me, given all of the events that have transpired today & the last 10 years: you are a selfish piece of narcissistic shit.
I was not worthy of 15 minutes of fucking positive affirmations because you've been too busy, but some old boss of yours gets your undivided attention at 11:30 at night?!? I pray some husband/man/whatever, has the kahunas to explain to you exactly why I'm wanting a divorce.
You will not traumatize me anymore, because I will not allow it. You have single-handedly ruined 4 people's lives. You. All you. And you continue to be a selfish, unloving, asshole. You make my skin crawl; I really do hate you.