You and your therapist have been shoving this betrayal trauma narrative down my throat for 2 months. In my opinion, you both are using it as an excuse for your passive behavior.
I won't refute that in your presence I act like a traumatized spouse, but outside of your presence I really enjoy life. My therapists' don't see significant trauma symptoms and for the ones I do have, I have actively been healing from. The way you & your therapist are trying to put me in this box labeled "she's doing that because she's having betrayal trauma", infuriates me, because that is not why I'm behaving the way I am.
What is happening is not driven by betrayal trauma.
What is happening, is that you have been "door slammed" by an INFJ.
Read what I'm about to write at least a dozen times, so it's engraved in your brain. Understanding what I'm about to write is essential if this marriage wants to survive.
I hate mentioning this because I feel like it'll come across as "bragging", but INFJs only make up 1% of the population. The reason I mention this is because this makes us INFJs feel incredibly misunderstood & unheard. There are very few people who understand our strengths & weaknesses. Oftentimes, we don't understand ourselves; we are the epitome of contradictions.
We are quiet & love our alone time. In contrast, we do not hesitate to be outspoken about something we feel really passionately about. The crazy betrayed person you think you are married to, is actually an INFJ passionately defending her beliefs & ideals. I know, it's confusing to me too. Because I am sensitive by nature & wouldn't say a bad word about anybody, I have been extremely confused at the level of hate I have felt for you; it doesn't "feel right" because it contradicts my strengths of harmony & caring about people.
The way an INFJ understands people can get pretty deep & I personally feel this is putting a big wedge between us. I do not have the ability to understand how someone is not capable of "getting" a person like I do. I guess this is where I need to communicate that I need you to at least try to understand me a little bit; just a tiny bit might make you view me differently. Before you come back defensively & say "well why don't you learn to understand me", just know my reply will be, "but I understand everything about you already; it's a gift INFJs have. If you learned about me you would've known that everything I do, is because I understand you at the deepest level possible".
When you deeply wound an INFJ, they don’t hate you, they nothing you.
This couldn't be more true. You have seen me do it multiple times; someone hurts me and I don't think twice about cutting them loose & not looking back. I've always felt I should feel bad about doing this to people, so when I discovered it's actually just who I am, I was a bit relieved. This cutting off & not feeling "bad" about it is being "door slammed". Since I have to still co-exist with you, I have "emotionally" door slammed you. That is why it takes everything in me to tolerate your presence & why I usually go underground when you're around. I have cut-off access to you for my inner thoughts, my true feelings, and anything that happens regarding my life outside of this marriage. This is me, an INFJ, protecting myself & my vulnerability; not this crazy traumatized wife you & your therapist are convinced I am. I know my talk of divorce seems sudden & drastic and only another INFJ will understand that that's just how we work. When someone's toxicity and hurtful behavior goes on to long, we give no heads up or warning; we're just done. We've mentally launched your existence into outerspace.
With that being said, sometimes I'll open up the door after it's been shut if my intuition feels it's the right move. My intuition has always made me feel that you are indeed, absolutely in love with me. That is why I'm still here.
To get me to open the door, I am going to need you to start doing some of the things I list below. It is only if you start doing these things, that I can continue to be your wife. I don't expect perfection, but I do expect you to try; every single day.
1) You have got to start actively showing me you won't hurt me anymore. This goes deeper than PMO. This is the hurt from your intimacy/emotional anorexia.
2) You have got to start genuinely showing me you are remorseful for any hurt you've caused me. Your actions as of lately have shown me you do not recognize/feel remorse for the damage you've inflicted.
3) Trust me; I have never let you fall & I will do my damndest to help you be free. I can only do that if you trust me.
4) Commit to treating me better, overall. Show interest in learning about things deeper than my exterior.
5) Respect my need for alone time & do not assume all of my emotions & behaviors are due to betrayal trauma. Ask me if you're unsure; I'd love nothing more than to help you understand my thinking & what influences my reactions.
6) I absorb others emotions. That is why it's imperative you communicate with me if you're feeling some type of way. If you don't put your pride aside & communicate with me, I will internalize that negative energy of yours. If I know you are down instead of wondering why you're sulking all day, it will save me from taking your negativity on as my own, helping us both in the long run.
7) Try & remind yourself when you think I am the anti-Christ, that I am your greatest ally & I have never been your enemy. I know you better than anyone, not just because we're married, but because my personality type has made this possible.
8) Quit conforming & comparing & following shitty advice. I find those that are different/authentic/genuine/transparent more enticing and you know this. Talk with me about what YOU think will work best for this marriage & yourself. Do not think I want some alpha male who must be the best version of himself to remain in this marriage, because some other husband on nofap thinks that will work for his marriage. That is the opposite of what I want. I want you, alpha/beta and all the flaws that come with you. I just want you you to show me you want me. It's as simple as that.
There's nothing I hate more than not being able to put my finger on something. When all facts are given, your 2 scenarios are all that I've been left with. In fact, over the past 4 weeks I have asked my husband numerous times if he is being honest with his therapist because things weren't making sense. That's partly why I posted my last letter; a calling for all INFJs to confirm that we're on some kind of psychic level. I know what my husband is going to do & how he'll do it before he does, I just don't think he really gets that. I've studied his manipulation tactics, ways he withholds info, & his non-verbal cues for over a decade & can 100% say, I know what goes on his head. I think my husband is terrified that he might have some intense emotional baggage buried deep & that because I'm getting handed out traumatic events like Oprah & her free cars, that I won't be a solid shoulder to lean on when he needs me. I think there might be a bit of dishonesty on his part with his counselor. Fortunately for him, if this is the case, he has a wife that has a feeling he's not doing this maliciously, rather, he's just that scared of what might be uncovered.
Why I think this is what's happening? Timing. When he was 14, his dad was diagnosed with CNS lymphoma, a central nervous system cancer. My husband believes he started watching P & MO at 15. He was blocking out watching his dad have to go through some hard stuff; his whole world was flipped upside down at such a tender age. I think my husband is extremely traumatized by what he's witnessed with cancer. He's mentioned a couple of times since my mother's diagnosis, that as he watches the amount of love & work I have put into saving my mom's life, & just being there for her overall, he recognizes how he wishes he would have invested more time with his dad while he was here. He tells me often, since we've had our own children, that he constantly finds himself thinking "I wish I could ask my dad what to do about x situation".
His father died when my husband was 24, I believe. I met my husband the following year, so I never got the honor of meeting my children's grandfather. It's an unfortunate reality for my husband; he has no solid male figure (other than my step-father) to really turn to.
I feel for him, I really do. He needs to get to a place of vulnerability & I recognize that. The sooner we can get there, the better.
I can't not see how this movie ends, so I guess I'll buy some popcorn & stick around