OCTOBER 23, 2018

Dear husband,

"Chronic disconnection … is the primary source of human suffering."

My intuition tells me you know this; the addict in you doesn't.

You hate when I call you an "addict". To not call you that, would be to enable you. I need my children to have a father they deserve; that is my priority, therefore I will not adhere to "tiptoeing" around the obvious dysfunction you being an addict has caused in our family.

One does not choose to let fatherless daughters on a computer screen (porn stars/etc) take over their life willingly. There is something traumatic that happened to you that made you not want to deal with the hard shit. This means, gasp, you must be human.

Not to compare, but, reality is: I have concurring, totally random unasked for, very traumatic events that have happened to me in the span of 7-8 months. I believe, that I am dealing with the hardest of shits to be had. Coinciding traumatic events, raising toddler twins, being made to feel like the antichrist, while also consistantly trying to grow, everyday is exhausting. With all that going on around me, I have remained as centered as a traumatized person can, not once succumbing to the perils of depression. I am resilient & it's ridiculous. I'm tired of being the strong one.

I've been to focused on "fixing the problem", that I forgot that addiction can get pretty cray, randomly, even during sobriety. You are an addict & your drug of choice was PMO. It's side effects included, but not limited to: emotional withdrawal, intimacy issues, deceiving those you love, feeling isolated, like the world is against you. You took that drug for the 1st time at 15. This pity party has come to a close.

I know you didn't ask for this, but coddling an addict is just adding gas to the fire. I still will not be monitoring you, initiating convos, or giving two flying fucks when the addict in you puts himself first instead of me, & subsequently, the kids.I will kindly say, "I am unable to manage the disappointment right now", do a little twirl, & sashay away. Definitely will say the first part, but as I build courage, my sashay might look more like someone getting burned alive is saying it.

I promised my therapist another month of trying and she didn't agree with me. She asked me to trust her & give you until July, which would make it a full year since dday. I didn't agree with her. You know how stubborn I am. She told me straight up, "girl. You are going through some shit right now & your husband is an addict. Addicts are hell to live with. If you've told him your needs & he's still not trying, you'll have to "dumb it down for him"." I asked her how; like do I treat you like a child learning a new skill? Unfortunately, she said yes.

So, I am to request only 1 need per week be met. This is going to be stupid hard.

Thank you for respecting my desire to look at changing your recovery path, as it's been detrimental to my psyche, imo. That was a good bit of faith you put in me & I really do appreciate it. May the waters start getting calmer, for the both of us.


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