You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.
Tough love isn't fun for anyone. Neither is enabling. Only he can realize once he lets go of whatever pain he has, will he be able to love himself. I can't guide him "gently" as a betrayed spouse. I did it that way for almost a decade. See where it's gotten me?
I had to make my therapist repeat that she was telling me "hell yes it's OK to be an asshole to him". I kept coming up with reasons not to treat him like a petulant child, because I genuinely don't like doing that. She let me walk myself through my reasons of being a loving wife instead of Satan. All of my reasons ended with outcomes that resembled my "old husband" & I realized that me being kind is not helping. My husband takes advantage of my kindness & it gets us here.
I knew I'd regret not being an absolute biznatch in life; I was always amazed by those people that had no problem giving you their opinion & held others accountable. I have to learn how to find kahunas, I guess...or, I could just remember that I'm enabling by "gently guiding" him.