As an only child, books were my life. I had no one to blame for accidents, no one to lean on at all times, no one as an immediate source of strength, comfort, & reasoning. I am finding that because of this, I have troubles communicating with my husband. While I have gained knowledge from my years of turning to books, it has hindered the ability for my brain & mouth to form coherent sentences to him that can get my thoughts across clearly without sounding like a nutjob.
Thoughts; millions of them, rising at the most inopportune times, making it impossible for me to tell him my feelings.
This "journal" will give me time & freedom. Time to articulate my thoughts/feelings & freedom in how I choose to express those thoughts/feelings. Those thoughts/feelings that I want to say to my husband, I will say here; future reference & self-healing therapy.
Tonight, I was writing my "impact letter" & a song came on my Pandora. It was the summary I needed today of my thoughts/feelings.
Dear Husband,
Cast the calming apple
Up and over satellites
To draw out the timid wild one
To convince you it's alright
And I listen for the whisper
Of your sweet insanity
while I formulate denials
of your effect on me
You're a stranger
So what do I care?
You vanish today
Not the first time I hear
All the lies
What am I to do with all this silence?
Shy away, shy away phantom
Run away, terrified child
Won't you move away, you fuckin' tornado
I'm better off without you
Tearing my will down
