OCTOBER 8, 2018

As an only child, books were my life. I had no one to blame for accidents, no one to lean on at all times, no one as an immediate source of strength, comfort, & reasoning. I am finding that because of this, I have troubles communicating with my husband. While I have gained knowledge from my years of turning to books, it has hindered the ability for my brain & mouth to form coherent sentences to him that can get my thoughts across clearly without sounding like a nutjob.

Thoughts; millions of them, rising at the most inopportune times, making it impossible for me to tell him my feelings.

This "journal" will give me time & freedom. Time to articulate my thoughts/feelings & freedom in how I choose to express those thoughts/feelings. Those thoughts/feelings that I want to say to my husband, I will say here; future reference & self-healing therapy.

Tonight, I was writing my "impact letter" & a song came on my Pandora. It was the summary I needed today of my thoughts/feelings.

Dear Husband,

Cast the calming apple

Up and over satellites

To draw out the timid wild one

To convince you it's alright

And I listen for the whisper

Of your sweet insanity

while I formulate denials

of your effect on me

You're a stranger

So what do I care?

You vanish today

Not the first time I hear

All the lies

What am I to do with all this silence?

Shy away, shy away phantom

Run away, terrified child

Won't you move away, you fuckin' tornado

I'm better off without you

Tearing my will down