Ok, so I don't *hate* everything, myself included. However, there is this constant battle within to shake others until they understand what kindness, loyalty, compassion means versus turning the other cheek on hypocrisy and solipsistic people by ignoring.
Why do I feel this need to make people become decent human beings?
I notice I get most affected by those who cannot see past their own noses. I feel rage, directed at myself and at others, when I give, and they take. I go in circles, making excuses, questioning intent.
I have the deepest desire to be understood, to feel like someone gets me. My dearest friends tell me "Cake, you have to realize not everyone is like you" and for the briefest moment I agree. Inevitably, I circle back to questioning why others can't have as deep of an understanding about me as I do them. Why can they not give as the receive from me?
This desire to be understood is most likely due to the fact that I don't understand myself. I am disconnected from emotions, "Cake, how do you really feel" is on a constant loop in my head. This constant loop is the byproduct of something deeper, my need to find meaning in just about everything this universe has to offer. I cannot stop asking questions. I was a "why" child and it seems I haven't shaken that part of my identity. Do I even want to?
Why would I want to accept things at the surface level? Why would anyone? When someone does accept surface level answers, I get triggered and start that internal rage of wanting to shake them and scream "words aren't just words! There are 10 levels of deepness to uncover!"
I just had an epiphany re-reading all of this: I must understand myself first. Ha. I am a 50,000-piece puzzle. This should be fun.
I am broken.
It seems hell is full of fun time circus mirrors, and this is probably why they call it hell. These mirrors distort things, make me think I am climbing out but in reality, I am just walking in circles laughing at the things I morph into.
There are circus clowns in hell, too, trying to distract me from figuring out that I'm actually still trapped in hell. They wear masks of self-serving yuck with painted smiles the color of Eve's apple and inviting eyes that I buy into because I still have zero concept of boundaries or any understanding that not everyone is like me.
I still BELIEVE. This is the root of all of my pain.
I still believe that people sincerely value me when in reality they want to use me because of my story. They want to use me because I'm pretty. They want to use me because they see my good soul and they try to suck it out of me for their own personal gain, time and time again. AND I LET THEM.
This is how I know I haven't learned a thing while stuck in this vortex of Barnum & Bailey's 7th circle of circus hell.
A part of me feels like there is no God because what God lets a person be repeatedly violated, betrayed, shamed??
Do I just stop believing in things? Do I become something I'm not by putting a hardened shell up around my entire being? Do I never trust or love again?
And I fight the path to freedom. I fight that I might have to lose my sense of self to make it out of hell. I might have to become something I'm not, a soulless robot who treats all humans as though they are a business investment. But I fear this is the only way I make it because nobody has heart anymore. Nobody thinks of others as I think of them. They soothe themselves and their heinous facades by slander, projection, and passive aggressive digs.
I keep telling myself that they are the ones that are actually suffering but I don't BELIEVE this. If this were true, why is it so easy for one to watch an already defeated girl get demolished by heinous accusations and peers turning the other cheek? Why is it easy for one to pretend to care about a vulnerable woman while using her as a band-aid for their own screwed up problems?
I hate society right now. I hate myself, too. I hate that I hate.