The Beauty In Loving a Survivor

Dear man that takes a chance on cat lady Cake,


I am a survivor.


I have survived trauma so intense I sometimes wonder how I'm still standing. There aren't words to describe how dehumanizing, how crushing it is to find out the person you gave your life to is distorting your reality on purpose and is the sole reason you now reside in hell on earth.


My heart bares razor sharp edges that will take you strength and time to maneuver. These edges are what I have yet to overcome fully and I'm not sure I will ever be able to. My soul was pulverized and my reality, shattered into a thousand pieces. I question things and sometimes have a hard time with trusting others from the years of deception I believed. The person that was supposed to protect me, cherish me, and love me instead released thousands of tiny monsters in my head against my will that I would demolish if I could. Trust me, I want those monsters gone.


You won't find a girl that thinks life is full of rainbows and sunshine in me and every once in a while I will feel so broken that I forget I am a warrior. My brain, divided into two; before trauma Cake and after trauma Cake. I have lost the purity I once had and even having to say I've been through trauma causes me shame at times.


But,


There is a uniqueness to me because of what I've gone through. I'm different. My green eyes tell a story of courage and my smile is one of the most genuine things you will see.


I believe in love and this belief alone takes bravery after succumbing to what I have. It is powerful and dignified of me to choose love after being traumatized by it. A relationship with me will not be like others because survivors survive to live life. If you fully understand what I've gone through and what I have done to become who I am you will see how I am stronger and more determined than your average woman.


I have had to have an abundance of empathy and sympathy for myself as I've trudged the bottom of hell and dug my way out. For me to hand you my heart, still bandaged and brittle, is a beautiful thing for I will let you into a place that I protect with steel barriers.


I will test being able to speak my mind with no repercussions thrown my way from you. Although I am mostly comfortable in my own skin, being open with my thoughts will make me feel timid and vulnerable so I will need you to make me feel safe to tell you anything.


Inconsistent with my heart and all of it's jagged points, I have become softer, kinder, more grateful for all things. Please don't let these traits overshadow my desire to no longer be a doormat to someone else and I have no qualms about staying true to who I am. The work I had to do to discover who that is was no easy feat and it is something I have earned not budging on. My days of being controlled are gone.


More than anything, I need you to be honest. I need you to be vulnerable with me and show integrity and compassion towards my soul. I need you to be forgiving and patient.


I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me whole when I realized the depths of betrayal and dehumanizing acts done to me. Still, I want to love and be loved again. What I thought at times would cause my death, I still believe in. If that's not beautiful, I'm not sure what is. I have seen hell because of love and I choose to risk seeing hell again. Be kind with me. Be gentle. Hold my heart with care. I'm worth it.


Love,

Cake