august 9, 2018

My husband has been porn free for a month (if he’s being honest). He says this is the 1st time he's ever gone this long in over 15 yrs. I’m proud of him.

 

The problem, though: he thinks he nailed this recovery thing because he no longer watches it. He has devoted 90% of his recovery to himself (doesn't surprise me...) & 10% on helping me, his wife, begin to heal from the years of life he robbed from me.

 

He was given an ultimatum after I found everything. He either acknowledges he has some problems & learns how to heal himself & our marriage by online resources & counseling, or, the kids & I were gone. He cried, begged, said he'd do anything, blahhh blahhhhh. He threw every waking minute on his phone “learning” about this (addiction). We were having wonderful, productive talks. He'd text to check in, let me know his thoughts & triggers, etc. He'd never done that in the entire 9 yrs I've known him. He made a counseling appointment 2 days after I’d found everything but the counselor didn't show up. 2nd week of recovery, he was still actively learning but I noticed instead of watching relationship videos on youtube like he had been, he was back to watching his science videos, or whatever it is he watches. Not actively seeking a replacement counselor or I don’t know… talking to his wife?. 3rd week in recovery, even less learning on his own via journaling, watching videos on porn addiction & relationship recovery, etc. Fights between us becoming frequent because he constantly triggers me. Telling him my triggers aren't helping because he never remembers. Communication is becoming infrequent. Still, no replacement counselor. This week, week 4, has been the absolute worst. It's everything from the 3rd week times 1000. Added to 4th week: gaslighting is back. Every trigger I've ever had he's doing and seems to be doing on purpose. He tried to tell me his behavior is of the past, indicating because it’s been ONE WHOLE MONTH AND HE'S MIRACULOUSLY HEALED I should start wrapping my recovery up & cut him some slack. Yesterday, I lost it. I am so sick of giving this man chances, only to be tossed out like trash. That is literally the only consistent thing in our marriage. I told him to find somewhere to stay that night. He said he wasn't going anywhere to which I replied, ok, the children & I will leave. That set him off. He said I wasn't taking the kids anywhere. This set me off & and it became a full-blown fight. I eventually got the kids out of the house. My husband’s big bosses have been in town all week & they were all going to a sports bar after work last night. It was the 1st time he'd been out alone since everything came out. We spoke last week about how difficult this was going to be for me. I heard nothing from him last night. Nothing. All he said when he got home was basically "wtf are you doing here? I thought you were staying at your mom's". Then, went to our bed & passed out. I slept in another room. I had to be at the hospital early this morning. My mom had surgery to get a port placed for lung cancer chemo treatment. She got to leave 5 hours later. I came home, as I couldn't wait to see my babies faces. He was short with me. Making snarky comments.

 

What in the world is happening?! I need advice. All I want to do is run, but I have nowhere to go.

 

It was/is controlling behavior and is so appalling.

 

He has never physically touched me. I feel safe in that aspect but I can't begin to explain what this all has done to me. I can't say I feel 100% safe that I'm not being watched but he swears he hasn't done anything.

He still hasn't found a therapist. I've been seeing someone for a couple of years & have an appointment coming up soon. I just can't believe how quickly he stopped caring. I really was rooting for him/us/the family.

 

I have no clue how I haven't ended up in a white padded room w/ everything being thrown at me...

august 10, 2018.

I don't want to be a helicopter wife. I have toddler twins. I stay home with them every single day. From sunup to sundown I am checking up on them & checking up on my mom. The thought of having to check up on a grown-ass man makes me want to just throw the towel in. He's going to need an accountability partner. He's going to need to tell his mom so she can check up on stuff like that. I can't add any more people to my check-on list, or I will have no time left to check-in with myself.

 

Taken from a text of his 2 days ago:

 

"You can hold it over my head if you feel you need to, but I don't see anything productive coming from it. I only see pain for our children's future."

 

Seriously? He seriously said I can hold his (porn addiction) over his head but if I chose to do that, I'm choosing pain for our children. I can't even with the amount of gaslighting. He's miraculously healed therefore all porn addiction talk is now off limits. GTFOH, husband of mine. I can & will talk about it and what all of this has done to me whenever I please.

 

The amount of weight I have on my shoulders is unbearable. I can usually handle it. I think I've handled it one too many times & I just lost it. I find myself wondering why I have to be the rational one all of the time..Nothing gets me angrier than a person with potential literally throwing it away.

 

It's almost comical the insane amount of shit that was simultaneously thrown my way. I'm an only child, fighting for my only parent’s life. My husband drops an atomic bomb on me. Oh, those little things running around in the background? Those are the twin humans I had. Those poor things can't have their mommy's undivided attention they so much deserve. Makes me feel like a horrible parent. I'm being pulled in a million directions.

 

Every morning, I make a choice. To fight.

 

I will never be a victim. I want my kids to be as strong as their momma. I'll be damned if my son ever does this to his spouse. I'll be even more damned if my daughter ever has to feel the amount of pain I feel

august 12, 2018.

I am a believer that God won't give someone more than they can handle. He must think my threshold is pretty high, ha.

august 19, 2018.

 

My husband is over 1 month porn free (he says). When I found out he was secretly taping me, that was the final straw. His (porn addiction) spans 15 years & includes looking up escorts prior to our wedding, porn during grueling fertility treatments I had to go through, porn throughout my pregnancy, etc.

 

His porn use was apparently so bad, he'd do it almost daily. He was an absent husband & an absent father. For almost 3 years he's put his own needs ahead of mine & our kids. Vacations ruined because he can't get his porn fix. Head down in phone 24/7. Blaming me for literally everything. For 3 years I have had to act the roles of 2 parents. Not because my husband wasn't physically around but because my husband neglected me & his kids. The fantasy girls on the screen took precedence over his family for years.

 

Here's the problem: I'm angry. I'm angry at EVERYTHING. I'm angry I was treated like trash & made to feel crazy. I'm angry that my children now have issues displaying emotions because their dad was too busy to parent & mom was too busy just trying to survive. The anger list is massive. For 2 weeks after I found everything life was grand. Husband was actively working recovery. I was supportive; finding him a counselor, willing to listen & not judge...he had NO problem kicking porn to the curb (insert eye roll). The problem is, he cannot stop being narcissistic & emotionally stunted. He just does not understand the damage he's done to me & that his actions have caused reactions. There is zero consistency in his recovery of being a better husband. This is like gasoline on my anger.

 

His head is about to explode at how well he's done on stopping porn & I'm over here on this island of 1 he has dropped me off on going "HI I'M STILL OVER HERE VERY MUCH HURTING". I mean, I understand I'm entirely responsible for my actions & reactions in life. For some reason I'm now taking my anger out on my son. My anger comes out as yelling. It passes & I always feel overwhelming anger & guilt afterwards, aimed at myself.

 

I have a little background in psych & am fully aware my behavior is not ok. It's not an everyday thing. I hadn't yelled all week until today. My mom starts her 1st chemo treatment tomorrow. I threw my kids birthday party yesterday. My husband continues to bully me & make me feel horrible. I'm drowning. Overwhelmed. Grieving. Alone. Scared. This all makes me angry. My son was acting up this morning & I yelled. My husband took the kids to the park & I left as well. I received texts from my husband while I was gone saying things like "take a minute to cool off, I love you; I'm sorry I left, I just didn't want the kids around that". I completely agreed with this, so I replied saying the kids didn't need to be around when I'm angry, I'd pack some things & stay somewhere else for the time being. His response was "that's not necessary, you just needed time to cool off; kids are great & asking for you". I take that as a sign that it would be safe to return home. I walk in the door & all I get is a "hey" from him. Instant triggers. He had made me feel I could come home & we'd move forward; what I got was the standard punishment when I've done something: silence. Made me feel crazy for thinking I'd misread his texts to create an illusion I wouldn't be burned at the cross when I got home. Triggers=anger=yelling, so I left again. Fight or flight.

 

I get a text from him with a link to an article about what yelling does to a child followed by "you're not the only one doing this, but.." Do you know what this does to an abused person??? An abused person who watched the abuser neglect this very child he's trying use against me?!? Made me feel horrible & confused & angry. So, I reply that I have an appointment with my psychiatrist this week & I would discuss these issues with him. He writes back that he can't just stand by & watch me yell at the kids. My reply: I agree. That's why I will speak to my doc on Tuesday about this. He replied: the one you see for 30 min so you can get your uppers refilled?

 

I'm sitting here absolutely dumbfounded. Since my mother's cancer diagnosis, he's been pushing me to see this doctor! He's known I've had this appointment coming up. We literally talked about it last night. Not one word has been said about his ill feelings toward my doctor. It is completely unfair & indicative of continuing abusive behavior.

 

So. Here I am. Feeling like roadkill for almost 10 years now. Was looking forward to my appointment. Not only to discuss my husband's traumatic behavior but my mother's cancer diagnosis. I've been seeing him for over 5 years now & really like him. I do not know what to do. I feel like I'm not perfect & this is all new; mistakes will happen. But dammit, I dealt with absolute destructive behavior from him for a long time & continuously cut him slack. I offered to let him stay after he secretly video recorded me. Why do I deserve to be tortured?? This is absolute torture.

 

I have to live with my abuser & person that caused me trauma. It's like being raped & having to live with the rapist. I imagine the pain is quite same in both cases. Torture. Especially when it's not getting any better. Ultimate torture.

 

I have been so blind; I didn't realize my marriage troubles were not normal. I assumed every husband watched porn, didn't really "talk" to their spouse, intimacy was non-existent because of work/kids/etc. Because of these assumptions, I never brought marriage issues up...it was only 2 weeks ago I started to figure out this was WAY BIGGER than a porn addiction.

 

My husband is (or acts) genuine. He's never given anyone a negative impression of him. My bestie adores him. It would take at least a week to catch her up & another convincing her he's capable of all these horrible things.

 

So, I don't know. I'm afraid my cancer-stricken mother is the only one who would tell me to leave. She's the only one that has seen the hurt & pain he's caused through the years. But even then, she adores him too... chameleon.