december 1, 2018

Dear Cake,

 

1. The Law of Mentalism; exists w/out dependency on something.

 

I hold it true that thoughts are things

Endowed with bodies, breath and wings,

And that we send them forth to fill

The world with good results or ill.

That which we call our secret thought,

Speeds to the earth's remotest spot,

And leaves its blessings or its woes,

Like tracks behind it as it goes.

We awaken in another

Just the thoughts our minds contain.

If we're kind, we win their kindness,

If we hate, they hate again.

We pass on to brother mortals

The vibrations of the soul,

And the knowing ones receive them,

As they search from pole to pole.

We build our futures thought by thought,

Or good or bad, and know it not

Yet so the universe is wrought.

Thought is another name for Fate,

Choose, then, thy destiny and wait

For love brings love and hate brings hate.

-Victor Segno

december 2, 2018.

Dear Cake,

 

2. The Law of Magnetism; co-exists with previous law, as well as tomorrow's law.

 

It's fascinating to watch your children try to figure out why magnets stick to certain things and not others. If not for their obvious toddler age, you'd be inclined to believe they've hit the winning jackpot at one of Las Vegas' finest slots when that tiny magnet magically sticks to something else and stays.

Their eyes light up & the 'look mommy, it works here' are in full force. They are in awe of magnets; polarity.

 

The people you haven't seen in forever but happen to randomly bump into are your magnets. The strangers you interact with & feel compassion for & the compassion is reciprocated; magnets.

Everyone in your life is here based on what you have projected into the universe.

Your thoughts are the command center of your magnet. Keep them positive & free of doubt.

december 3, 2018.

 

Dear Cake,

 

3. The Law of Unwavering Desire

 

Purity of mind, body, & soul leaves you with no ego, only the now.

 

Laughing until you cry is an unplanned, impulsive reaction from a pure insight. It's different than crying from emotions. Emotions are led by thoughts.

It's normal to sometimes let what we desire be based on emotions but it never ends well; ever.

It's possible to be conscious of these emotions while separating the stories that encompass them from your awareness in the now.

 

You're doing good, Cake; head up, shoulders back, & be aware of your now.

december 4, 2018.

Dear Cake,

 

4. The Law of Paradoxical Intent

 

Self-contradiction is simply not being logical. When logic isn't taking place, doubt, fear, shame, etc creep in & leave you desperate.

A process of anabolic and catabolic undertakings that control you.

Vice & Virtue.

 

Man is an embodied paradox, a bundle of contradictions

Charles Caleb Colton

december 5, 2018.

 

Another day of going out, doing what I do, by myself. Got startled by a squirrel but other than that I was feeling very much alive and at peace with myself today.

 

Fall has allowed me to shed what was holding me back; winter, is fast approaching. Things get frail in winter. I will not be one of those things.

 

Dear Cake,

 

5. The Law of Synchronization/Harmony

 

The way you live = how much harmony is in your energy.

 

When your soul & the universe synchronize, things like tonight will happen.

What a  trip.

Transmutation of energy.

december 6, 2018.

 

Dear Cake,

 

6. The Law of Conscientious Action

 

Simple; it's the golden rule you learned in kindergarten.

 

Do to others as you would have done to you.

 

"Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any sense of compassion between supposed lovers, between supposed brothers."

-Maynard

 

Oh, Cake. What another weird day. You stopped to get yourself a drink this morning on the way to drop the kids off at school. When you held out the money to pay the worker said no charge & smiled. The words are you serious stumbled out of your mouth before you could gather your senses & I'm pretty sure your face had genuine shock written all over it. She smiled again & told you to have a good day.

 

You made it maybe 10 ft & started sobbing, the kids staring in bewilderment. You didn't hide your tears. You let them witness what kindness can do to a person. You explained that they were tears of joy & you were thankful and happy that kind people like that lady existed.

 

Who knows if they understood the message, but their mother sure did.

december 7, 2018.

 

Dear Cake,

 

7. Law of Gender

 

There are elements of masculinity & femininity in each of us; in our mind, body, and soul. In nature. All around us. The universe itself has masculine & feminine sides. What makes it evolve, is having a balance between the two.

 

Too much alpha makes for a narcissistic power hungry human that is nothing but a scared little child on the inside. Selfish.

Too much beta & you get the opposite of narcissism.

 

Find the balance.

 

"The half-wise, recognizing the comparative unreality of the Universe, imagine that they may defy its Laws – such are vain and presumptions fools, and they are broken against the rocks and torn asunder by the elements by reason of their folly. The truly wise, knowing the nature of the Universe, use Law against laws; the higher against the lower; and by the Art of Alchemy transmute that which is undesirable into that which is worthy, and thus triumph. Mastery consists not in abnormal dreams, visions and fantastic imaginings or living, but in using the higher forces against the lower – escaping pains of the lower planes by vibrating on the higher. Transmutation, not presumptuous denial, is the weapon of the Master.”

december 8, 2018.

 

Reflecting on the 7 laws.

 

Separate the body from the mind

december 9, 2018.

 

Dear Cake,

 

While kids were napping you spent that money wisely. Invested in yours & the kids futures. Turning a hobby into a legit profession that will give the gift of memories to other happy humans & things...

 

Paying it forward while getting paid.

 

To do what you love.

 

When you let the universe lead opportunities come knocking at your door. You are living proof.

 

These opportunities won't fill the emptiness from betrayal but they will distract you. One day they'll distract you enough that you won't even think about the current situation(s) you find yourself in. The lonliness & utter confusion will be replaced by success.

 

This isn't easy...The emotions and revelations you experience are debilitating at times.

 

And then you remember that you are the captain of your ship & you carry on, fully trusting God & his plan for you.

 

Cheers to doors opening that will certainly lead to success; the kids will be proud & you will be, too.

december 10, 2018.

 

Dear Cake,

 

High-five on not letting that creep get under your skin. Creeps will be creepin.

 

The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists

 

Holy crap, Cake.

 

You were Dorothy & he was the Wizard; irl.

december 12, 2018.

 

Dear Cake,

 

You find yourself wondering lately if men have a 6th sense of knowing when a woman has just been heartbroken or, if in reality you are beginning to notice other people notice you because the energy you've been putting out.

 

As much as you're learning and growing as a person, something has been hindering your full potential.

 

Closure.

 

Respect, right? You're the mother of his children & you  a fiercely loyal companion for a decade. You know you deserve explanations, answers, apologies, but you'll never get them.

 

Closure will happen when you're able to accept the answers you have and move on, even though you know you're worth more than the experience you've endured.

 

Closure will be forgiving things you don't know about or have honest answers about.

 

Just when you think you have it all figured out, another tall mountain appears.

 

Guess I'm going to start climbing it because I am so over this hurt.

december 14, 2018.

 

Dear Cake,

 

Worst day evahhhhh.

 

A little dramatic but it's flippin' cold outside, kids are getting cabin fever, and mom is running out of fuel. Toddler Twins 1, Mom 0.

They have also discovered that saying "dad" causes a change in my demeanor. I'm cognizant of this change and haven't quite figured out how to not let it take my breath away. They sense this and just so happen to be in that 'let's see how far we can push things' phase; disaster.

 

Because of it being an extra crappy day due to sex addiction and feels, tonight's journal is for all you dad's/husband's out there. Gonna be a tough pill to swallow, but it's reality.

 

Dear Dad's and Husband's (future one's, too),

 

The heart is 'the central or innermost part of something'.

This central & innermost part of something is where your strength and character come together and form the heart of your soul.

Your strength will be present via your character.

 

I see too many men equating strength with physical capabilities, your successes, & one-upping each other as some sort of badge of honor. Unfortunately, this way of thinking comes through in your character. Those closest to you take notice and equate it to selfishness.

Your wife gets , isolated, resentful. You think you're becoming this "better man" and all she sees is you just not really getting it. This is the point she starts retreating because you have the wrong idea of strength.

 

Strength of character is having the courage to do the right thing even in really crappy situations. Being strong is not hiding from your mistakes or becoming passive when confronted.

You are genuine in your emotions, not trying to hide the shame/guilt/fear. There is no hypocrisy; a God fearing doting father and husband does not excuse selfishness and blame.

When you are not strong in mind and spirit your character just falls apart and disintegrates. This is why so many of you still find yourselves in pity after a relapse, blaming your wife and obsessively checking to see if others have failed at abstinence so you can feel a tad  better about yourself.

 

I live daily with the aftermath of a man who was seriously confused about strength and character. My kids live daily with the aftermath.

My kids, who are so impressionable right now have no idea what true affection between a mother and father look like, and that brings me to my knees in guilt when I think of it. I then have to summon the energy to remind myself that it wasn't my fault, for the millionth time, which sometimes makes me even more resentful.

 

I told someone last night that being in a marriage with a sex addict is equated to being alone in the middle of the sea during a storm, all by yourself. You can see boats in the distance but they can't hear you. Every move you make you think a shark will bite you. Torture, men...pure torture.

 

Your children know way more than you think. Teach them to have strong characters so your sons never find themselves in your positions and your daughters never find themselves in mine.

Teach yourselves what a strong character means.

It's not gym, tan, laundry. It's not going to church on Sunday and then lying to your wife about your relapse 2 days later. It's definitely not ghosting your kids for your own wants/desires.

 

All it takes is being humble, kind, and accepting of your failures.

 

That's the secret.

 

*rant over*

 

That was therapeutic.

december 17, 2018.

 

Dear Cake,

 

You kept telling yourself if you made it through thanksgiving, Christmas would be manageable as well.

 

Girl. You lied.

 

The past week has been excruciating. Things seem super awesome & easy to manage until you step outside into the the real world. You can't go anywhere without having to dig deep & stop the desire to loath the happy families. You keep your eyes down or on the kids at all times because duh, trust issues. The last person you let look into your soul kinda left you high & dry. Plus, you're convinced single men can sniff you out like fresh meat & it makes you nauseated to think about.

 

Pretty soon the energy supply is going to dry up & then what do you do?

 

Keep moving on is the only option, right? You can only assume with time you'll begin to trust again & want to feel wanted. Right now, you just want to hit fast forward & it be 01/01/19.

 

Tomorrow you have to get the kids ready for their Christmas program by yourself, which is no easy feat for 1 woman against toddler twins. You'll sit through the program wondering if he's there, not really caring but caring enough it will definitely distract you. After the Christmas program, you then switch roles & become mom's caretaker. She starts this new immunotherapy treatment tomorrow for her lung cancer; for what, you ask yourself? To spend that many more days in pain & out of breath, terrified of your fate just to see your grandchildren that much longer? Bittersweet for you, as you lose your last biological parent. You have no siblings to share memories with. When she goes, so do all of the secrets you've shared & family memories. You are going to find yourself exactly as you are now; alone, sitting on your bedroom floor with your favorite songs playing as you sob, wondering what in the world has happened to this pure & peaceful life you envisioned.

 

Embrace these feelings. They will pass & you will be stronger when you make it through.

 

You like to be prepared but you can't possibly prepare for the devastation that's coming your way. Let go, Cake. Let the universe & God guide you through it. Fear will only hinder your capabilities & opportunities to grow.

 

So,

Just,

Throw that positive energy out like grenade launchers, girl.

Keep believing in yourself & strength.

 

Santa isn't real, anyways.

december 20, 2018.

 

Dear Cake,

 

You very well could be going crazy but sheer irony seems to have triggered the hysterical fits of cry-laughing today in the car.

 

You've been fixated on getting past Christmas in one piece; using everything you've been working on to your advantage, while letting the emotions run their course. To hype yourself up you've been doing the 'ol this is the final hurdle & then it's smooth sailing pep talks religiously.

 

And then today, it made it's way to the top. Your brain was trying to make you forget or overlook that the universe always has the last laugh. Yours was presented in irony.

 

You've been super stoked to get through Christmas because then you're home free while completely forgetting that you got engaged on NYE.

 

Sigh....

Universe 1 Cake 0

december 21, 2018.

 

I'm not doing good, but not doing bad; normal feelings, I suppose... guilt & despair are trying to infiltrate my optimism & hope. The energy it takes for me to override the negativity is exhausting.

 

The never-ending trail of deceit & beautiful women I've been left on my own to discover is making me feel really crappy about myself. It's confusing me because I've never questioned my physical (& internal) beauty. Even when I found out everything, I never once thought that the women he watched were prettier than I or had nicer bodies. Today, I find he was asking some chick on a gamer site why she wasn't showing cleavage, could he see her goods, etc. & I died a little inside. Maybe it is because it's the first time I've seen an actual request made by him to another female to show a certain body part, where everything else was just videos he clicked on.

 

Good news is, my intuition WAS right.

 

He should have not wasted his breath trying to convince me IT WAS ONLY PORN, I SWEAR, NOTHING ELSE, YADAYADAYADAAAAAA. I knew. I always know. Thank God I followed my instincts, or I'd still be sitting here in lalaland, passionately defending him from anyone (me) that would dare think he'd lie.

 

What a drag I am

december 22, 2018.

 

SOS.

 

If anyone has survived divorce with an emotionally abusive, controlling, manipulative ex please send tips.

 

Of course I am aware of the master plan; to make me buckle from sheer exhaustion by screwing with my mind. Making me out to be the bad guy. Using my children as pawns. Suddenly realizing how good I had it & bam, divorce off the table. Or, maybe I will cave in & agree to a better deal for him than he deserves.

 

Not happening. In fact, it only pisses me off that much more. I put my boundaries up, that are forever disrespected, & I refuse to play the games. However, this makes him big mad & the abuse gets worse. Currently, I'm getting the silent treatment because I exist. I'm getting the silent treatment from a man who secretly recorded/cammed me in the bath/shower for 4 months.

 

This is going to take forever to settle & even when it's over, the games won't stop because we have children together.

 

Sometimes staying in the marriage seems easier. But then I remember I don't like pansies.

 

The remedy to pansy behavior:

 

Putting together a barbie dreamhouse, alone.....

 

I can take on the world now. Legit feel empowered, granted there weren't any screws & tools needed. That's on tonight's agenda with some other overpriced kids crap.

 

If you see a missile shooting through the sky, it's just me being done with screws & pansies.

december 25, 2018.

 

Dear Cake,

 

Grief seems like such a small word in comparison to how it actually feels.

You're grieving your marriage & you're grieving the impending loss of the only constant you've known.

 

There's no rhyme or reason as to how you are able to see the magic in grief. The deeper it goes, the more joy you will find.

 

I can't go on. I will go on.

 

She said, I don't know what makes me more upset; what he did to you or that I'm going to die and you'll be all alone.

 

She is finally talking. For her honesty, I am grateful.

 

That's all I wanted for Christmas; either her or my husband to have no fear & be honest in their current states of being. Mom came in clutch, per usual. Husband, still MIA.

december 26, 2018.

 

The irony is not lost on you; these floods would test Noah. Literally. It's flooding.

Torrential downpours that come in waves.

 

Because you question everything, you asked yourself if this was God offering to cleanse you of this years bummer of a poker hand. He was clearly saying hey girlfriend, I'm going to wash away all the hurt.

 

You are drenching wet & don't know if you just wiped away snot or rain, but holy f**k.

 

You've been awakened again. Cleansed. By the Holiest. He told the universe to give Cake the best finale she's ever seen & Cake heard Him calling.

 

Cake never misses appointments with God. Especially when there's a monsoon involved.

december 31, 2018.

 

Dear Cake,

 

her soul was too

deep to explore

by those who

always swam in

the shallow end.

 

Your husband's sex addiction kept him in the shallow end, unable to see the depths of your soul. How unfortunate for him.

 

8 years ago today, you and him were on the road to celebrate New Years with friends in another state. You didn't know, but the entire drive you were sitting right next to the diamond he would give you that night when he asked you to marry him.

 

You accepted the proposal thinking you had won the lottery; this gorgeous, intelligent, sweet man wanted you!

 

But,

 

It was only a mask; underneath, a different man existed. A man who only swam in the shallow end.

 

Tomorrow, you start with a blank book & there won't be a single chapter that includes soul sucking leaches.

 

Adios, 2018