february 1, 2019.
Climbing out of grief, I think. 24 hours of being alone was what the doctor ordered & my God, what this has done for me. I needed that recharge; I was simply exhausted in mind & body & . Nothing good comes from an overly exhausted Cake & wars.
I'm ready for the next battle.
Something/things bother me quite a bit. Maybe it's because I'm clear headed now; out of the fog of addiction/deception/betrayal/etc.
I see these women, married or in committed relationships, as a past version of me. Confused, angry, & can't separate reality from fiction. They say the things I used to think. Why doesn't he care? Why isn't he trying? Why am I the bad guy? He won't listen to me. He blames me. He just gaslit my ass into oblivion, but I'm going to lick his wounds.
To this day, I don't know what did it for me. After he was caught, there were about 3 "good" weeks of "ok" effort on his part. Then, just an absolute nosedive.
Was it because I started pressing about seeing a therapist? Was it because he openly read my honesty & my feelings as my life spiraled out of control? Did he know I was starting to really put the pieces of the puzzle together? Did he get a glimpse of the girl he married? The one that was a unique, free spirit, empathetic, kind, humorous, & deeply sure of her worth....except, this girl he now saw had a backbone he apparently was unaware of & she was not afraid of speaking openly about her journey. Did he know how much more I'd find & took the little boy way out? Who knows....
Point is, I just want to shake some of these women. I want to tell them there is a really big world out there, with amazing people & opportunities...they don't need to kill their souls for someone that just does not have an ounce of empathy in their body. Those aren't the good guys trying...those are the unfortunate men we've unfortunately signed up to be with.
Don't sell your souls to the devil just because yay, you! They say wait a year for a major decision, so just sit there & continue spiraling into wtf is happening to you land...I just know he'll wake up & realize what he's doing.
You have 1 life. Just 1. You are completely in control of that 1 life.
Don't be a doormat. You are here for a reason & it is not to be the savior of a human who doesn't want saving. Go...be free & happy. Someone will love you for you & not ever want to see you hurt. I promise you that.
february 6, 2019.
I speak a lot about my growth spiritually, mentally, emotionally, etc throughout my betrayal healing. It helps me to speak of the positives despite the hell I go through. Not often do I speak of the other side of this journey.....the one that stays locked down tight because who likes a Debby Downer?
Right now, I'm going through the most intense loneliness I think I've ever experienced. It feels as though my children & I have been dropped on some deserted island with 1 juice box they'll fight over, & that's it. There might be a native on this island, but I don't trust them. I trust no one. Except the children fighting over the juice box not realizing they better save that, because it's rainwater from here on out unless mommy can find a job on this deserted island.
My mom, who is actually dying, bears the brunt of my goods & bads because friends have gone silent. Those that peak around the corner every now & then might talk to him, so I can't be open. Regardless, who even really understands being a full time mom of toddler twins, the wife of a deceiver, & the daughter of a cancer patient? Nada.
Idk, maybe I didn't really understand the enormity of my particular situation & now I do? I always tell my mom that this is the stuff we see in movies, not my actual life. I don't remember dreaming of this life when I was a little girl.
Am I forced to isolate? I self isolate? I see & talk to plenty of people but there's always that sadness/lonliness trying to overtake the connections.
What's the difference in a pity party & legit feeling sad for yourself?
february 9, 2019.
I am so freaking terrified that this most beautiful of relationships between a mother & her daughter is coming to a close when I need her most.
So, I guess a positive out of this is that I know what's co-driving my sadness.
I've got a lot of tough days ahead. Lots of stages of loss & grief to recycle. Jesus, I wouldn't wish these series of misfortuate events on the devil himself.
Thank God for the babycakes. They are my light & bring me so much joy in the hard times. God & the universe knew what was up when I was blessed with those two pure humans.
I will somehow gather the strength from this mysterious energy well I have attached to me & make it through.
At least when I die at 100 years old I can honestly say my life was anything but boring & I am pretty sure God will be waiting for me with a You made me proud, Cake!, cake......what a surreal & sad experience.
What a humbling experience.
I once worked with a lady who was 86 years old. There were 4 of us girls up front including her... She would sit at her desk using one of those old time calculators that would make this annoyingly loud noise everytime she pushed a button & the paper ran through. She loved to push those buttons.... she'd smoke a pack a day & complain about her husband, who was equally as elderly, not being able to keep up with her. The other girls & I thought she was a riot; fiestiest person I've ever met, full of non-sugarcoated stories/advice about life. She taught us girls a lot about the world & how to handle things thrown our way. There has been one thing she told me that has stuck with me to this day, years later. I was going through a break-up or a fight, can't quite remember, but she said Cake, you just gotta laugh or you'll cry. Don't ever let them see you cry.
So, I live by this. I try to keep some kind of humor in otherwise crappy situations so those situations don't invade the goodness in life. Humor is good. A laugh is way better than eating bon-bons on the couch while sobbing & watching Judge Judy.
God has his hands full with this girl. I bet his angel food cake is to die for.
february 10, 2019.
Remembering the time I sat in the parking lot of the hospital, my mom inside. She'd just had a lobe of her lung removed to try & get the cancer. I'd just found a hidden camera in my bathroom. It was almost an out of body experience; I just sat. I listened to the same song at least 75x & finally snapped out of this horrible, tranquil state. I put on a smile, greeted the doctors, & earned daughter of the year with tending to my mother, despite the explosion I'd left down the road.
I still look back at days like those & wonder how in the actual hell I made/am making it through.
february 13, 2019.
Putting together Valentine's for the babycakes party at "school" tomorrow. Alone. Thanking sweet baby Jesus I've always not cared about this day.
I will miss the insincere card (probably not signed), the last minute crappy bouquet, & the attention I'd receive for at least 5 minutes.
february 14, 2019.
Total fail. Today was excruciating & I'm actually pretty taken aback by this. I really do dislike everything about this particular day.....I thought.
First off, it's not even a real holiday. Not only is it not real, it's a horrible reminder to the single people that they are alone. Really? Do we need a day to spend money on gifts for the girl that you'll probably dump when the next best thing comes along? Shouldn't we show our love daily, or at least once a month? Can't we give random sweet love notes, candies, & half-dead flowers every month? We can, but most don't because life, right? We get busy. We get so freaking wrapped up in our own little existence we neglect our loved ones until this magical day comes around to "remind" you that you are in fact, wanted.
So why has this stupid day caused me such sadness?
My theory is because I am a hopeless romantic. I can't tell you how many years I've spent on this day telling myself over & over he is so gonna get it right this year; no way I'll get an unsigned card (apparently kids can keep you from signing cards, *eyeroll*). Or the Oh, crap, he's ordered flowers last minute & now I'm going to have to summon my overjoyed wife face because how freaking thoughtful *another eyeroll*. I would get anxiety anticipating what I would receive because there was never any romance; no thought. It was robotic. I was a PC.
Ok, then. I guess I didn't realize how much I just want(ed) to feel like I was loved. Like I was worth the effort....
That's a tough pill to swallow when I think about it. I've obviously been shoving some stuff regarding romance & love pretty deep down.
At least I know what I won't accept moving forward.
On a positive note, babycakes were the best Valentine's I could have asked for. Our trio had a heart shaped pizza & I listened to 3 year olds gossip about so & so crying because so & so wasn't in class today. As I sat & listened, with a stray tear rolling down my cheek at this pure innocence I witness daily, I was calmed by the unconditional love the 3 of us have for each other.
That's more than I will ever need.
But, romance, surprises, & companionship would be nice, too. Maybe in my next life.
Off to go sob into my kids Valentine's candy.
february 17, 2019.
Grieving has got to be the worst stage of all stages. You tackle steps 1-infinity & then there's that freaking wall you didn't see coming. It says girl, you're in for some crap on it.
Loneliness doesn't even scratch the top of what it's like going through divorce AND realizing your whole marriage was a giant lie.
There are so many things to take for granted when you do have a spouse. Someone to share an inside joke with, (kind of) take care of you when you're sick, & get a hug from 8/10 when it's needed. Platonic hugs are fulfilling but not quite the same as ones from someone you've shared everything with & devoted your life to.
But, what if all of the above that I received as a wife wasn't actually given out of love? What if it was out of obligation to keep the wifey happy to maintain the status quo while deception was going on? Does it even matter at this point if I get an answer?
Why does the shittiest stage take the longest to get over? Am I somehow pushing away some deep feelings, hindering progress? What am I even grieving???
I'm talking in circles now & confusing even myself.
Do not do to your partners what I've had done to me. It is hell on earth.
Just be honest. It will get you so much farther.
february 18, 2019.
Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be.
february 22, 2019.
I like my inner therapist, I really do. She lets me cry, cuss, ask her 500 questions in rapid succession, listens to my music, & is always on call. She does get me a little heated at times.... like when I ask her what do I do now? I know what this experience has taught me but what in the actual hell do I do now? What's my purpose? Girlfriend ghosts me every single time I ask these things. I think she's trying to tell me something.
I'm stuck. For a decade I forgot who I was. As the real Cake starts to come back, so does the flood of the girl I once was & her dreams. It gets overwhelming at times because a part of me still questions what is real & what I falsely believed about myself. Quite often I have to really think is this the Cake before she got smashed or after she got remade into an even better Cake?
Who is Cake now that she's in control of her own life? What can Cake offer?
I know for certain these things:
- I want my life to mean something; I want to leave an impression on those that come long after I am gone.
- I want this impression I leave to be because it changes someone's life; to guide someone towards the kind of life that's fulfilling & rewarding.
- I want to be fulfilled & happy while serving my purpose; I don't want to be in the rat race
- I won't settle
I think I may know my purpose but I am clueless on how to bring it to fruition. I don't even know where I belong in society.
february 23, 2019.
I spent this morning at a co-parenting class for the big D (divorce). There were 9 females in it all either in the middle of a divorce, or have had it recently finalized.
I kid you not, more than half of the women spoke of filing for divorce because of pornography, cheating, or just overall crappy sexual behavior.
I was shocked. I sat there with my jaw on the floor thinking No way. You too?!?
2 of them had stories so similar to mine it was almost unbelievable.
So, yes. Porn/sex addiction is an epidemic tearing apart families. 3 out of 9 had their basic human rights to privacy violated by their husbands.
I wrote a little note to the 2 others that had stories like mine.
I hope they take the plunge & heal.
february 24, 2019.
The death of Cake's soul took a decade to happen. Time measured by meaningful moments grew so very slow. I became a character in The Neverending Story, dying in the swamp of sadness.
It was only when signs I could not ignore appeared that I realized unless I did something, my time here on Earth would be spent failing to resist conformity & power; control. I would become a human version of The Nothing. I would have no meaningful moments that give our souls what they need to thrive. The death of a soul doesn't last forever. Eventually, it really does die & then what? I don't want to find out that answer.
My time here is going to mean something. My soul has been reborn & I've been taking really good care of it.
Cake has a new lease on life & I'm guarding this soul with everything in me. Nothing is going to hurt me or my new & improved soul ever again.