july 13, 2018

 

Yesterday, I was angry. Nothing, and I mean nothing, could change my mood kind of angry.

 

My husband, the porn addict, has (I think) put 100% thus far into no pornography. That's what made me so angry.

 

He works from home 2 days a week and yesterday was one of those days. It was the first day since I found everything that I've been isolated with him all day. When I say he's enthusiastic about this journey, I'm not lying (or maybe he’s lying). He was on his phone yesterday, all day. He wasn't looking at porn, or games, or anything that would hinder him getting better, he says he’s been so intrigued by the info he’s reading/watching about porn addiction.

 

This (porn addiction) (I put in quotes because I’m not convinced that’s all it is) denied me quality time. Action: him staring at phone ALL DAY; Reaction: I got triggered. Although the content was much more preferred it still didn't change the fact he was behaving as usual. Neglect, isolation, etc. Nose in phone. He used tools to ask me how I was feeling (kudos to him). I unleashed. The anger of him being on his phone all day & the triggers it brought up were too much for me to think clearly. My brain has 8 + years of pain bottled up. I need to work on not reacting immediately. It's totally fair that I do, however, I just can't see this being productive. Should I lay into his ass every time he exhibits behavior that has been a product of this (porn addiction)? (Ex: Excessive phone use, regardless of searches, in turn making me feel alone, like usual)

 

I need to find a way to communicate in a healthy way while wanting to gauge someone's eyes out.

 

Once the initial anger wears off & I’m able to think clear and then it begins to make me feel worse – guilt for being angry. I’m mad at myself more than anything. Being angry is a valid emotion right now. How I communicate that anger is up to me. Nothing productive comes of it (initially). I don't want my husband to feel like he can't do anything right, because he really is trying (I think).

july 16, 2018.

I need to find the balance between anger and clarity. My anger ALWAYS leads to self reflection. I just can't quite get the in-between of seeing red & then scolding myself for not being able to control it.

 

I have years of betrayal. When he finally acknowledged his problem I felt like a volcano. All those feelings stuffed deep inside for years. His acknowledgment makes me feel free to let the lava bombs of feelings finally rise to the surface and explode. When the pressure gets too much it bursts, right?

 

Just gotta work on getting from anger to meaningful conversations.

july 20, 2018.

 

-married 7 years, together 9

-caught husband 1 month before wedding looking at local escorts. I was never getting attention at this point. Thought it was all wedding day nerves. Forgave him; most definitely because I was ashamed/naive/thought he'd change

- had kids after 3-4 yrs marriage

- marriage has always been miserable. He's never treated me like a partner. He controls finances, most major decisions, & up until I found everything, he would control our sex life.

- I started noticing as our poor sex life dwindled further, he was blaming me for the decline. Projection. Made me crazy thinking I was to blame.

- thought he was having an affair. Couldn't find anything (there were a few messages to a co-worker I felt were over the line & I've discussed w/him)

- still had a GUT FEELING something wasn't right. There was no way this behavior was that of a "loving, devoted husband ".

- the day my world changed. Jackpot of hidden porn on a tablet rarely used recordings of me nude without my knowledge. Further investigation, on phone as well.

- because we have kids now the light has switched. This wasn't normal & I deserved better. So did our kids. Told him to leave & stay at his mom's. He complied.

- Felt it prudent I at least give him a chance to acknowledge he has some kind of mental health problem. He came home that night. He shared his this (porn addiction) of 17+ years. Shocked me, truly.

- for 2 weeks he's had no porn (if he's being honest).

- he is consciously starting conversations with me about my day, feelings, etc…normal conversations I never got before

- for every 2 good days, there's 2 bad (in my head).

- lots of angry outbursts on my end; random; confusing & makes me mad at myself

 

Which brings us to today, roughly 2 weeks post finding everything.

 

My mother had surgery to *hopefully* get rid of the cancer she was diagnosed with. Yesterday we found out the surgery didn't get it all. By we, I mean my parents & I. I'm an only child & my husband stays back to watch the kids. She's facing a lethal amount of chemo.

 

My best friend, my mother, is dying while fighting. My stepdad is also aging. It's been on my shoulders to carry us through. Meanwhile, my husband admits he's a porn addict. I have 2 young kids.

 

This week the lows have been more frequent than highs in our recovery. I feel the lack of attention coming back. Lack of empathy. Lack of companionship.

 

I found a trick my husband does. He does something nice thinking it lets him off the hook for a little while. Cool, right?! I called him out on it & he agreed. I'm not sure how this info will help as I feel like he'll forever be doing something nice just to benefit himself. A lot of anger stems from this trigger. In the past: *he's doing the dishes w/out me asking. Oh crap, he must want to do some weird thing he knows I hate that he saw on porn but he did the dishes, so I owe him* I need to work on accepting his progress & learn how to heal.

 

I finally started asking questions I hadn't previously asked him about his (addiction). Question:

-did you masturbate to porn while we were trying to conceive? YES

-did you masturbate to porn throughout my pregnancy even though you knew I was a willing participant? YES

-did you masturbate to porn while I was up every night nursing our babies or hooked up to some effing machine squeezing milk out for the kids to have food or when you never washed a bottle in their entire infancy & watched me, sleep-deprived & a wreck, do it?

YES

 

For whatever reason, this was the worst blow yet. Out of it all. Hit me like a hammer. We literally had to pay $ to have children. It wasn't an accident. It was a much talked about conversation. We have fertility issues. Everything was planned. I fell pregnant with twins, thanks to science. I grew as the twins grew. I was a ballet dancer for 17 years. My body changed & it gave me anxiety. I had no control. Horrible memories of what should have been the happiest times of my life. What an awful feeling.

 

2 weeks down. Lots to go. This too shall pass