november 11, 2018
Today was the hardest you've had. You haven't seen him in 4 days & the kids are starting to ask questions. Exhausted is an understatement. You've been the sole caretaker of 2 tiny humans who are just like you: intuitive, sensitive, & inquisitive.
The "why's", "where's daddy", & "momma, are you happy" have led to many forced smiles through the tears.
Your bag of cover-ups for him has run dry & not being *as honest as possible* teaches your children nothing.
Look at you, Cake; beautiful, intelligent, kind, nurturing, & so many other really awesome things. It's about time you stood up for yourself.
I know you're scared right now that you'll end up an old lady with 37 cats because who is going to ever want a girl as broken as you? Keep pushing that fear aside; It's what has kept you from following that intuition. Your intuition tells you that you're gonna be just fine when it comes to love.
Stay strong & proud like you're teaching your babies. Time heals all wounds.
november 13, 2018.
Hi-five on the single-mommin' it today. Got the kids up, ready, fed, packed, & loaded for "school". 28 degrees this morning. Kids thought that was the perfect time to find any surviving flower in the yard. Part of you wanted to let them explore, but the other part couldn't feel your hands & you were late. You can't stand being late. You promised your daughter a dinosaur princess & your son, cars. All of the cars just to get in the car.
Your stomach was turned into a knot on the drive. You were convinced your marital "secret" had found it's way to the school. You prepared yourself for the stares, 'I'm sorry's', & casseroles. You assumed because your whole world was flipped upside down that it affected everybody else, too.
You knew deep down nobody knew anything. You have started to prepare yourself for 'attacks', before the attacks even happen, or, not happen. Keep an eye on that....it's your shadow trait trying to rear it's head, again.
Also, your life is an actual movie, no joke.
november 15, 2018.
The Lord is working for you
november 16, 2018.
It's been 8 days since you've seen him or heard his voice. Your shadow tells you it's OK to miss him. It's OK to want to see him walk through the door, give you a kiss, acknowledge the kids, & then zone out for the rest of the night on his phone/computer. It's OK to crave his touch. These feelings are OK to have; they are part of grieving.
When will they stop?
november 18, 2018.
This realization of whatever cycle you're on, is just now coming to fruition.
Lies of his & protecting an unknown party in your marriage; addiction. Pixels, cameras, degradation came before you, his devoted wife. The lies undermined any communication yet you were blamed. Lies that violated God's divinity of marriage.
For whatever reason, you didn't think any less of your appearance or personality following d-day. It was only when you truly saw that he was choosing a life of sorrow over your family did you really begin to wonder what is wrong with me?
You weren't prepared for this confusion, having always been grateful for what your body & mind look like/think like.
Your ego, popped like a balloon. It was a healthy ego. Now you feel overwhelmingly un(anything, really). Unloved, undeserving, unworthy.... you're curious why the delay in self-pity. Nobody invited self-pity to this already sinking ship.
What a weird world. I wish you were stronger in this moment because all you want is to feel his arms around you and tell you how perfect you are.
Maybe in another life....for now, just continue the process.
november 21, 2018.
Holiday season seems to bring every happy family out of their happy little homes to spread happy cheer to other happy people.
Together. As a unit.
Seriously, the happy families seem to appear out of nowhere as soon as Tom the Turkey is mentioned.
Perception is everything...
Happiness is internal.
I am scared tomorrow is my last Thanksgiving with my mom; the last my children will have with her. I'm content, fortunate, & thankful for this opportunity. Some people don't get closure.
Think twice about getting angry at uncle Jim Bob's burnt Turkey, your partner, family, strangers....be happy you have them.
november 22, 2018.
You made it. You held it together for your mother & kids. Sure, there were copious amounts of sobbing in private, but you smiled when they were around. It wasn't faked. It was pure; it was genuine; it was full of strength & self-discovery.
You promised the kids you would get the Christmas stuff out of the garage & start decorating tomorrow. You followed through & really felt, for the 1st time, like a single mother.
Now your garage looks like a Tetris game & you are going to wake up with random bruises from moving crap to find baby Jesus & the tree.
You will spend the rest of tonight alone, music in ears, putting a freaking Christmas tree together because your babies deserve that joy when they wake up in the morning. They have been your rock(s).
Tomorrow is a new day.
november 23, 2018.
Some people find ways to work themselves out of the hardships in life by justifying their behavior. They get so delusional, they really start believing what they say.
The problem with porn/sex addiction, is how do you differentiate a man that watched so much porn he had to escalate into illegal/immoral territory from a man who has a legit psycho-sexual disorder? At what point does it go from a simple porn addiction to actively doing illegal things? Did the disorder come first, or did the addiction cause it?
The questions are building; revelations; you are being redeemed, finally.
november 25, 2018.
7 years ago today.
You prepared to say your vows before God, family, friends, & spirits. You drifted in and out of sleep, finding comfort in the fact that your soul was about to become intertwined with someone who you truly thought loved you. You didn't realize 7 years ago that some people have distorted views of love at no fault of their own.
Your wedding dress, hanging in the closet. You imagined how breathtaking you would look the next day.
You were about to marry your true love.
How devastating it turned out as it has. Tomorrow, you will not answer the obligatory 'Happy Anniversary' calls/texts from oblivious family/friends. You will not open any cards addressed to you both as a married couple; you know their contents would bring you to your knees.
Most noted, tomorrow's date will forever remind you that you loved unconditionally. You loved with everything in you. You meant & believed in your vows.
Devastating. The addiction won & you feel worthless.
However, you wouldn't change a thing. Only those in your shoes would understand.
Do not become your own worst enemy. Work hard to repair your faults. Put selfishness aside. Be grateful for the person standing beside you. You will destroy a human & their idea of love for eternity if you don't.
november 26, 2018.
Instead of sobbing into your wedding gown on your anniversary, you've been reading up on something called impaired empathy.
Knowing that someone is in pain is an uncomfortable feeling for most people. It makes you want to help them.
Knowing someone is in pain & choosing to be insensitive, is impaired empathy.
People become nothing more than shadows to the impaired empathetic & they fully believe these shadows are responsible for bringing the crazy inside of their universe. Projection.
Impaired empathy is prevalent amongst those with internet addictive disorder, which you believe might go hand in hand with a modern day sex addict.
Internet = high
Internet isn't enough.
Internet + porn = a high on steroids.
It all starts with the internet (for most).
Only those who are depressed or are psychopaths display impaired empathy.
You'd be willing to bet, 80% of the human race that doesn't show empathy are most likely depressed individuals just naturally fighting/flighting as a defense mechanism.
The other 20%, psychopaths.
Anywho, you made it another day. You made it Thanksgiving, your wedding anniversary, & next up is Christmas. You can get past Christmas & then guess what, Cake? It's going to be a new year. It's the date you cannot wait to see.
november 29, 2018.
Good on you taking advantage of this beautiful fall day to get out alone & all vulnerable to take photos. You're getting your you back...