october 8, 2018
As an only child, books were my life. I had no one to blame for accidents, no one to always lean on, no one as an immediate source of strength, comfort, & reasoning. I am finding that because of this, I have troubles communicating with my husband. While I have gained knowledge from my years of turning to books, it has hindered the ability for my brain & mouth to form coherent sentences to him that can get my thoughts across clearly without sounding like a nutjob.
Thoughts; millions of them, rising at the most inopportune times, making it impossible for me to tell him my feelings.
Journaling gives me time & freedom. Time to articulate my thoughts/feelings & freedom in how I choose to express those thoughts/feelings. Those thoughts/feelings that I want to say to my husband, I will say here; future reference & self-healing therapy.
october 14, 2018.
9 years ago, you met your perfect victim. A girl in her 20s, coming out of an intense break-up with her boyfriend of 5 years. She was a sweet girl who preferred stars to skyscrapers. I think Tom Petty wrote a song about her; Free Falling.
You called her your "little hippie" & left thoughtful, meaningful surprises to lure her in. Once you put a ring on your "little hippie", you turned into something she did not recognize. The deceit from your (addiction) turned this woman who was the epitome of self-love into a scared, paranoid, angry, resentful, self-loathing, bitter person. For 9 years, you let her fall down the rabbit hole hoping she'd never come back a "sane" person, all in the name of your (addiction).
That's why she told you to leave today.
Although you have abstained from pornography and masturbation for the past 3 months, your addictive behavior is more alive than ever.
The biggest mistake you made? Forgetting why you fell in love with her in the first place & who that person was that she fell in love with.
It's not the guy that lays in bed on his phone instead of joining his family; not the guy that continues to make this kind woman feel as though she's at fault for this nuke; not the guy who doesn't show her she's respected, adored, wanted, & comes first in his life.
She gives with her whole being and only wants an effort in return. Actions speak volumes.
For 3 months I have kept your "good guy" image going, not telling anybody in real life because of humility & protecting this "image" of you. The last thing I want is someone thinking negatively about you & you know that. That is why I was the perfect victim.
october 15, 2018.
I have not talked to you in 36+ hours. You have not checked in on me, or your children. I see on Google map locations that you're at a restaurant, close to 10 at night..... How nice. Is it with an escort? A mutual friend? A co-worker? Who knows...
The only things I know to be true right this second are:
- you abandoned your family long, long ago
- you were given so many gifts in the form of chances by me and you've taken a hammer to every one of them.
- I pray your daughter never has to feel what I feel & I pray your son never does this to a woman.
- your actions tell me all I need to know about what direction you want this to go
- all you had to do was be open, respectful, & committed to your family on a consistent basis.
- you don't accept my emotions without minimizing or blaming me
- you aren't engaged in our relationship and in our family. You are never fully present, emotionally speaking.
- I was told by your therapist yesterday that you had an accountability partner? Wat? Either you're lying to her, or me.
- you have no patience with me & have no clue what empathy means
- I have never been & continue to not be a priority of yours, although you've been mine for years.
- you have taken no steps to make me feel safe. You've actually started to traumatize me all over again with your flippant behavior.
- you have not become any more open & honest with me than you were prior to d-day. You continue to purposely manipulate & gaslight me.
- you do not encourage my healing. You complain about my therapist to the point of me not giving a single eff anymore.
One of the kids & I both have temps which meant my mom couldn't come help today (in case you've forgotten, your mother-in-law has cancer & just finished 6 rounds of chemo; her immune system is shot). Don't worry, you know I've got this. Enjoy your night out.
october 16, 2018.
Cake Ina Crisis
Self Identity 101
16 October 2018
Only Child; Lonely Adult
Being an only child always carried the assumption from others that I got everything I wanted. Being an only child of divorced parents, doubled that "spoiled child" association. I often found myself feeling guilty around birthdays, holidays, & vacations. I would get 2 of everything. I have lived a life full of being cognizant with displaying unselfish behavior to "prove" not all only children are spoiled brats.
I am simply captivated by those with siblings. I'll sit silently as an observer, watching as they make shitty ass comments to the other & then 5 minutes later are all I love you bro, wanna take mom's car out for a spin?. I would think silently to myself about how quickly they forgot why they were mad. I carry this into adulthood. I never had anyone to "get mad at & get over it with" and I find myself being the type of person that will cut someone off like nothing if they wrong me in any way. I didn't learn that you can still like/love someone after they've wronged you. Flip-side of this irrational belief of mine, that once you do me wrong you're gone, is that I am fiercely loyal & my intuition is borderline Miss Cleo of the 1-800-call-a-psychic days.
The biggest hindrance of being an only child in a relationship, especially one where (addiction) is involved, is our need for independence. Only children have nothing BUT their imagination growing up. We are creative, sensitive, & love our alone time to really tap into the deeper part of ourselves. Addicts tend to be needy. They "play up" the self-pity. They take advantage of the only child's inquisitive & nurturing mind.
october 17, 2018.
Today you came home; 48 hours after I told you to get out due to being a dry drunk. It was clear you timed this surprise "Lucy, I'm home" type of arrival, based on your wants & selfish addict behavior. Why didn't you "want to be there for your kids" at 6 o'clock this morning? You missed them so much you couldn't get home until after I had already packed lunches & snacks? Until I had wrestled them & got them dressed myself? Until you knew I had loaded them up in the truck while it was like a goddamn hurricane in Alaska outside? Until you knew I had made the preschool dropoff? Until you were sure enough time had passed for me to feel bad about telling you to get out? How convenient that you missed the chaos, continuing to take me for granted. I also hate to burst your bubble, but I do not feel one bit of remorse for forcing you to leave because you continue to be this "moral knight" but can't follow your own principles! You are a dry drunk, full of anger & resentment. Being a dry drunk is causing me trauma over & over again. I had to force you to leave FOR MY OWN SANITY. You, my friend, have no business telling me how to behave. Your "irrational & unsupportive spouse" has been the very opposite, you just can't see it.
The girl you're convinced is set on ruining you & everything around you is actually your angel. Take the fucking blinders off.
For those following the soap opera & his google map whereabouts last night, the story is, he met with his old CEO for a future job prospect. Semi-believable, only because I knew he had talked to this guy on Saturday. We had many healthy conversations about this job opportunity for much of Saturday night.
What I didn't know because he deceived me, was that they had a meeting set-up for last night. He asked at least 10 times between Saturday & midday Sunday if I had checked my calendar to see what worked for me so him & this guy could meet. Every day/night/afternoon I suggested because the times/dates would work best for me, he found a problem with. Not only a problem, but an "OMG you dipshit wife, how could you even suggest that night?!? You know I fucking deploy then". It's not that harsh verbally, but it's pretty close.
This is his addicty MO to get what he wants. He already knew when he wanted to meet this guy. He asked me to give him a good time to conduct this meeting, yet anything I suggested was shot down with an excuse as to why it wouldn't work. This was him hoping & praying I'd eventually say, "hey babe, I've got Monday night available, why don't you have a 5-hour dinner with some person I've never met before to discuss our family's future", because he can't grow a pair & ask/communicate/be honest with me. When I didn't say what he was wanting to hear, he picked a fight. Or he at least gaslit my ass enough I retaliated. Either way, he got his wants met & threw his family to the wolves.
Oh! The best part?!? As he's telling me about this meeting he had, he says he was honest with his old boss as far as him & I aren't doing so well & he was unsure if now was a good time to switch paths career wise. My husband continues to tell me how much this guy understood about my need to feel safe & "taken care of" & that's when I politely say hold the fuck up, what do you mean this random guy I've never met before wants to make sure I am "taken care of". Back that bus up.
I asked him again what in the world this statement meant & get this you guys, he tells me He can't say because it's a surprise; some kind of secret fucking weird surprise that this guy is going to accommodate for me to "relax". Not weird at all & totally cool of my addict husband to say/do, after a 48-hour MIA from his family "because I made him leave". What kind of hell am I in?
That's it. I'm writing a book. You can't make this crap up
october 18, 2018.
divorce is inevitable and I have a lot of figuring out to do.
october 19, 2018.
Good news is the times of my self-pity episodes are shortening & that in itself is amazeballs. Bad news, divorce is still inevitable. Excuse my laziness in not writing a thoughtful, intelligent, meaningful letter to you tonight. Rather, I am going to copy & paste the notes I've kept throughout the day, once again, desperately hoping you see the errors of your ways. Always remember had I not discovered your secrets your kids might have.
- counseling today was intense; I have not felt that vulnerable/honest/weak in a long time. I thought you really heard my pain; I think your therapist at least did.
- while at counseling today, you waited until the very last minute to let me know you were putting your 2 weeks in at your current job to do some start-up, I think? All I know was that I honestly saw red. I was fuming & couldn't see/hear/think straight. I remember telling your therapist over and over that this was the first time I was being told this information & I remember looking you in the eyes & telling you how disrespectful that was of you to do. To not only your wife, but the mother of your children, & a fucking human being. I invented the games you play, you fool. I see right through you. You covered all your bases so you could come out squeaky clean. Manipulators be manipulating & you are a master.
- on the way home from the counseling session it was silence, of course. 15 minutes into the drive you ask me "would you want to go somewhere this weekend, just the 2 of us? I want to surprise you with something, but I'll have to know what your answer is by tonight, because it's time sensitive." I think I saw red again. You surprised me with life-changing news, not in a good way, just 20 minutes earlier & now you're telling me you want to take me somewhere this weekend as a surprise, but I must make up my mind by tonight?!? You have convinced me I'm in some real-life Truman show shit, because wow. Just, wow.
- I have to leave as soon as we get home to go pick-up the kids. Upon returning & up until 5:00, you were face in computer; I dig it. You have a job & yours is done on the computer.
- 5:00pm; I'm trying to explain to kids how it makes mommy feel when she's trying to do something, but all she can hear is fighting. As 3-year-olds do, they ignored my little talk with them. I point out to you, hoping to make you a little more aware, that things like that (being ignored) happen hourly for me. I was hoping you'd maybe look at things from a different perspective. We had literally just talked about my desire to feel heard/paid attention too in therapy & that need was acknowledged by both you & your therapist. I ignorantly assumed you'd get where I was going with pointing out how much I was ignored (& not just by you!) because of the earlier conversation. You start to say something in response to my attempt at hoping you become more aware of things other than yourself. You catch yourself before any words come out, pause, & then say that you “hear how I feel" (which FYI, that 4 word response is getting overplayed; it's time you start actually understanding what I feel & why I feel those ways). I ask you what you were going to say prior to "you hearing how I feel", because it was blatantly obvious you were about to say something you realized you shouldn't. You said you weren't going to say anything & then rolled your eyes at me. I asked what that was for & you said because I was attacking you. That little exchange has left me once again feeling confused, unworthy, unheard, crazy, sad, angry, etc. I'm so tired of this.
- 6:00pm; you have avoided me for 30 minutes "cleaning". You do this all the time. You stay "busy" - with work, porn, now it's apparently cleaning, so you don't have to spend time with me or the kids. At least that's how I feel, as the person you've neglected for 10 years.
- 9:00pm; I just got out of the bath & you are on your laptop. You don't say anything to me other than "what are you looking for", as you noticed I was on the hunt for something. As of now, there is still no 15 minute affirmation towards me, like your counselor asked you to start doing, and to which you agreed. Also, as of right now, you have not communicated with me any further regarding this new career path you've decided to do, without asking your wife how she feels about it.
- 9:30pm; You have moved into our bedroom (yours right now, because for some twisted unknown reason, I'm the one confined to a small bed in a lonely room, that was once our children's playroom). Ironic, right? Their mother spends sometimes hours, daily, just sobbing into this now empty room hoping God hears me. I look at the walls & can spot a stray crayon mark or reminiscent chalk from that phase of their discoveries. I am isolated in the very room I have laughed the hardest & felt some of the greatest joy with my babies. It is also the room I was in the day my mother told me to look up the word "spiculated", as it was on the Cat scan report of hers we were going over. It was in this room I sit in at this very moment, that I realized my mom had cancer. I couldn't let her know what I'd just read, so I lied, said it was nothing, & her & her grandchildren carried on playing. I sat in this room that day, feeling for the first time, an almost out of body experience; she was happy, the kids were happy, & I sat there feeling as alone as I do right now, in the very same room.
Still waiting on affirmations & communications for today.
- 9:45pm; I ask you what you are doing on your laptop & you tell me you have to deploy tonight (work). I tell you I'm going to bed, again, hoping you'd pull your head out of your ass & remorsefully said "oh beautiful wife, my love, I've forgotten to tell you how very special you are to me. You have carried this family through the darkest of times & I will show you every day what your support has meant to me. *continues with every affirmation I've ever wanted to hear*". I was a bit dramatic in my reenactment; a quick "hey babe, I've been super shitty & I'm going to fix that. You're the best thing that's happened to me; thank you" would have been exactly what I needed. BUT your response to me telling you I was going to bed was "OK". I summoned the energy to not tear into your ass. I calmy ask you, "so I am not getting my 15 minutes of positive affirmation today?". You glance towards your laptop, look back at me, & say nothing. What it said to me was, "but, but, but, but I've been working so I haven't had time for you. Find out you are worth a damn elsewhere." So, I have retreated to "happy, unhappy cancer room" to try & get at least 3 hours of sleep tonight.
- 11:00pm; no word from you. You have not attempted any sort of saving your ass by coming to this desolate room & just loving me. I go to bed, once again, with divorce & cancer on my mind. I know you pride your little trophy wife on being strong, but do not forget, I was once a little girl like our own daughter. I am fragile & human; super only comes before fragile.
11:22pm; I enter "our" bedroom to finish up nighttime routine in "our" bathroom. I open our bedroom door & see a finger held up, as a parent would do to their child when non-verbally saying "be quiet". Oh, you're on the phone! With whom, I mouth to you. You mouth back the name of this new "boss" of yours, that has talked you into leaving your stable job, right this second, to work for him. So, here's what that tells me, given all the events that have transpired today & the last 10 years: you are a selfish piece of narcissistic shit.
I was not worthy of 15 minutes of fucking positive affirmations because you've been too busy, but some old boss of yours gets your undivided attention at 11:30 at night?!? I pray some husband/man/whatever, has the kahunas to explain to you exactly why I'm wanting a divorce.
You will not traumatize me anymore, because I will not allow it. You have single-handedly ruined 4 people's lives. You. All you. And you continue to be a selfish, unloving, asshole. You make my skin crawl; I really do hate you.
october 20, 2018.
You and your therapist have been shoving this betrayal trauma narrative down my throat for 2 months. In my opinion, you both are using it as an excuse for your passive behavior.
I won't refute that in your presence I act like a traumatized spouse, but outside of your presence I really enjoy life. My therapists don't see many significant trauma symptoms and for the ones I do have, I have actively been healing from. The way you & your therapist are trying to put me in this box labeled "she's doing that because she's having betrayal trauma", infuriates me, because that is not why I'm behaving the way I am.
What is happening is not driven by betrayal trauma.
Read what I'm about to write at least a dozen times, so it's engraved in your brain. Understanding what I'm about to write is essential if this marriage wants to survive.
The crazy betrayed person you think you are married to, is passionately defending her beliefs & ideals. I know, it's confusing to me too. Because I am sensitive by nature & wouldn't say a bad word about anybody, I have been extremely confused at the level of hate I have felt for you; it doesn't "feel right" because it contradicts my strengths of harmony & caring about people.
The way I understand people can get pretty deep & I personally feel this is putting a big wedge between us. I do not have the ability to understand how someone is not capable of "getting" a person like I do. I guess this is where I need to communicate that I need you to at least try to understand me a little bit; just a tiny bit might make you view me differently. Before you come back defensively & say "well why don't you learn to understand me", just know my reply will be, "but I understand everything about you already; it's a gift I have. If you learned about me, you would've known that everything I do, is because I understand you (humans) at the deepest level possible".
Someone hurts me bad enough, I don't think twice about cutting them loose & not looking back. I've always felt I should feel bad about doing this to people, so when I discovered it's just who I am, I was a bit relieved. Since I have to still co-exist with you, I have "emotionally" door slammed you. That is why it takes everything in me to tolerate your presence & why I usually go underground when you're around. I have cut-off access to you from my inner thoughts, my true feelings, and anything that happens regarding my life outside of this marriage. This is me, protecting myself & my vulnerability; not this crazy traumatized wife you & your therapist are convinced I am. I know my talk of divorce seems sudden & drastic but when someone's toxicity and hurtful behavior goes on too long, I give no heads up or warning; I’m just done. I've mentally launched your existence into outer space.
To get me to open the door back to my heart and soul, I am going to need you to start doing some of the things I list below. It is only if you start doing these things, that I can continue to be your wife. I don't expect perfection, but I do expect you to try, every single day.
1) You have got to start actively showing me you won't hurt me anymore. This goes deeper than porn. This is the hurt from your intimacy/emotional anorexia.
2) You have got to start genuinely showing me you are remorseful for any hurt you've caused me. Your actions as of lately have shown me you do not recognize/feel remorse for the damage you've inflicted.
3) Trust me; I have never let you fall & I will do my damndest to help you be free. I can only do that if you trust me.
4) Commit to treating me better, overall. Show interest in learning about things deeper than my exterior.
5) Respect my need for alone time & do not assume all my emotions & behaviors are due to betrayal trauma. Ask me if you're unsure; I'd love nothing more than to help you understand my thinking & what influences my reactions.
6) I absorb others’ emotions. That is why it's imperative you communicate with me if you're feeling some type of way. If you don't put your pride aside & communicate with me, I will internalize that negative energy of yours. If I know you are down instead of wondering why you're sulking all day, it will save me from taking your negativity on as my own, helping us both in the long run.
7) Try & remind yourself when you think I am the anti-Christ, that I am your greatest ally & I have never been your enemy. I know you better than anyone, not just because we're married, but because my personality type has made this possible.
8) Quit conforming & comparing & following shitty advice. I find those that are different/authentic/genuine/transparent more enticing, and you know this. Talk with me about what YOU think will work best for this marriage & yourself. Do not think I want some alpha male who must be the best version of himself to remain in this marriage, because some other husband on nofap thinks that will work for his marriage. That is the opposite of what I want. I want you, alpha/beta and all the flaws that come with you. I just want you to show me you want me. It's as simple as that.
october 22, 2018.
I'm convinced any therapist that follows the co-dependent/addict model is nothing but a money maker at the expense of sexual addicts & their partners. *in cases where therapist does no assessment of spouse prior to suggesting she's a co-; this model probably does work for an actual co- partner, but to preemptively gear recovery towards this standard with nothing but assumptions based on the betrayed wife standing in front of you is appalling & she should have her license taken away.
october 23, 2018.
"Chronic disconnection … is the primary source of human suffering."
My intuition tells me you know this; the “addict” in you doesn't.
You hate when I call you an "addict". To not call you that, would be to enable you. I need my children to have a father they deserve; that is my priority, therefore I will not adhere to "tiptoeing" around the obvious dysfunction you being an addict has caused in our family.
One does not choose to let fatherless daughters on a computer screen (porn stars/etc) take over their life willingly. There is something traumatic that happened to you that made you not want to deal with the hard shit. This means, gasp, you must be human.
Not to compare, but reality is: I have concurring, totally random unasked for, very traumatic events that have happened to me in the span of 7-8 months. I believe that I am dealing with the hardest of shits to be had. Coinciding traumatic events, raising toddler twins, being made to feel like the antichrist, while also consistently trying to grow, every day is exhausting. With all that going on around me, I have remained as centered as a traumatized person can, not once succumbing to the perils of depression. I am resilient & it's ridiculous. I'm tired of being the strong one.
I've been too focused on "fixing the problem", that I forgot that “addiction” can get pretty cray. You are a self-admitted addict & your drug of choice was porn. It's side effects included, but not limited to emotional withdrawal, intimacy issues, deceiving those you love, feeling isolated, like the world is against you. You took that drug for the 1st time at 15. This pity party has come to a close.
I know you didn't ask for this, but coddling you is just adding gas to the fire. I still will not be monitoring you, initiating convos, or giving two flying fucks when you constantly put your needs and wants first. I will kindly say, "I am unable to manage the disappointment right now", do a little twirl, & sashay away. Definitely will say the first part, but as I build courage, my sashay might look more like someone getting burned alive.
I promised my therapist another month of trying and she didn't agree with me. She asked me to trust her & give you until June, which would make it a full year since I found everything. I didn't agree with her. You know how stubborn I am. She told me straight up, "girl. You are going through some shit right now & your husband is an addict. Addicts are hell to live with. If you've told him your needs & he's still not trying, you'll have to "dumb it down for him"." I asked her how; like do I treat you like a child learning a new skill? Unfortunately, she said yes.
So, I am to request only 1 need per week be met. This is going to be stupid hard.
october 24, 2018.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.
Tough love isn't fun for anyone. Neither is enabling. Only he can realize once he lets go of whatever pain he has, will he be able to love himself. I can't guide him "gently" as a betrayed spouse. I did it that way for almost a decade. See where it's gotten me?
I had to make my therapist repeat that she was telling me "hell yes it's OK to be an asshole to him". I kept coming up with reasons not to treat him like a petulant child, because I genuinely don't like doing that. She let me walk myself through my reasons of being a loving wife instead of Satan. All my reasons ended with outcomes that resembled my "old husband" & I realized that me being kind is not helping. My husband takes advantage of my kindness & it gets us here.
I knew I'd regret not being an absolute biznatch in life; I was always amazed by those people that had no problem giving you their opinion & held others accountable. I must learn how to find kahunas, I guess...or, I could just remember that I'm enabling by "gently guiding" him.
october 25, 2018.
There is one thing I cannot make sense of; how it was so easy for you to abstain & continue abstaining from porn, while your only support has been some random therapist you see 1x a week. If you're not abstaining, well, read anyways.
Professor of neuroscience & psychologist Jim Pfaus said the following regarding sex/porn addiction not being a real thing:
Here’s why: addicts withdraw. When you lock a dope fiend in a room without any dope, the lack of drugs will cause an immediate physiological response — some of which is visible, some of which we can only track from within the body. During withdrawal, the brains of addicts create junctions between nerve cells containing the neurotransmitter GABA. This process inhibits the brain systems usually excited by drug-related cues — something we never see in the brains of so-called sex and porn addicts. A sex addict without sex is much more like a teenager without their smartphone.
What else could be true of your behaviors & ease of abstinence if sex addiction isn't a clinical disorder? Is being "out of control" an all-embracing symptom of addiction? Do brain science & neuroscience relate to sexual science?
Sex addiction & the sex addiction recovery model can be defined as the compulsive participation or engagement in sexual activity, despite negative consequences. If this true, what negative consequences could you possibly have been consciously aware of in your "binges"?
Why can I not stop thinking there's something off here? Is it possible we're wasting all of this $ & time on something unrelated?
So, here I am. Back at square 1…
I can't do forks in the road right now, so what do I do; I make forks in the road. Why do I have to be a "why" person?
october 25, 2018.
Remember in the movie The Neverending Story when Atreyu & his horse, Artax, came upon the swamp of sadness? Artax was slowly slipping into the swamp as Atreyu desperately pulled on the horse, screaming & pleading for Artax to just try. Artex sank under the swamp of sadness. He gave up to The Nothing and Atreyu is left alone, sobbing for his horse.
I've been feeling like Atreyu; gutted, hopeless, & lost.
I've also been feeling like I took LSD (just for record, I have never taken LSD); euphoric, distorted, & the door to my unconscious mind has been opened, letting pent up emotions run free.
I am Artex.
I am Atreyu.
I wish I was the childlike empress, instead; ruler of fantasia & full of wisdom.